Tired and Struggling

I have to be honest and say that I'm really struggling right now.  I'm struggling with the never-ending cycles of chemo.  I'm struggling with feeling crappy for two weeks out of every three.  I'm struggling with feeling useless because I really can't do very much for those weeks when I feel horrible from chemo.  I'm struggling with feeling like a horrible mom because I can't be there for all my kids' activities or volunteer at their school. I'm struggling with my friendships because I can't be there for my friends like I want to be.  I feel like I'm just drifting through life and there's not really much reason for me to still be here.

Don't get me wrong - I'm grateful for each time my scans come back showing the tumours are not growing. But at the same time, I know that unless God chooses to heal me, we're just delaying the inevitable, and that one day the chemo will stop working and the cancer will take over.  Medically, there's not much we can do except buy some time.  But is it worth it when that time is spent feeling horrible and useless?  My husband says yes, which I am very grateful for - he hasn't given up on me yet!  I know in my head that my worth doesn't come from what I can do, but from who I am.  It's getting that head knowledge into my heart that's the hard part.

I do keep hoping for a miracle, and I know that the only reason I'm still here after my liver failure last spring is because of God's intervening.  He is still a God of miracles.  I know He is able to heal me if He chooses, and if He chooses not to heal me in this life, then I'll get a new healthy body in Heaven.  It's the waiting that is so hard.  And I do know that God can do a lot in the waiting.  This has just been going on for so long that the waiting is getting tiring.

Fighting cancer is as much a mental battle as it is a physical one.  People ask me continually when I'll be finished my chemo treatments.  The answer is basically when they stop working.  For most people who don't have metastatic cancer, they get assigned a certain number of chemo treatments, and then they're finished.  I'll really never be finished until the cancer adapts to it and it stops working.  It's exhausting, and it's taking a toll on my body.  And really, I'm just tired.

I feel like other people are tired of it too.  We've really felt people pulling away from us in the past few months.  I think I'm pulling away too, subconsciously.  I don't mean to, but it really feels like everyone else is living their lives and planning for the future, and we really can't plan more than a few weeks at a time because we're always scheduling around chemo treatments and scans.  I know people are still praying for me, but my friendships are suffering because I'm just not able to participate in a lot of social activities.  This battle is just so all-consuming that it's hard to focus on anything else, and I know that I need to shift the focus off of the cancer and back onto God and what He has planned for me.  Again, it's easier said than done.

I really don't want the cancer to rule my life, and I'm afraid I've started to allow it to.  So I guess this blog post is my confession and my resolution.  It's therapeutic to just express this and admit what I'm feeling, and now I need to stop wallowing and start living while I can.

So how do I stop letting cancer rule my life?  I need to look to God and His Word to see what He has to say about that.

Psalm 119:28 says, "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your word."

Isaiah 40:28-31 says, "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

In Matthew 11:28-29, Jesus says, "'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'"

Hebrews 12:1b-3 says, "Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

One of my favourite passages has always been 2 Peter 1:3-11:

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption of the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins. Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

I am so thankful for the truth of God's Word and for His promises to us.  Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I'm struggling. Yes, this road is hard.  But if I cling to God and His Word, He will give me strength. He will give me everything I need for life and godliness.  He will give me rest.  This is my resolution: I will trust God to provide what He says He will provide; I will be thankful for the people in my life and the blessings God has given me; I will look to God and to His Word when I'm feeling discouraged; I will not allow cancer to rule my life or define who I am.  And really, if God spared my life last spring, then He has a reason for that and a purpose for me to be here, even if I don't understand it or know what it is yet.

The very fact that Jesus gave His life for me means that I have intrinsic worth no matter what I am able to do. A good friend of mine recently introduced me to a beautiful song by Kari Jobe that beautifully describes God's view of His children. I hope you'll take a few minutes to listen to What Love is This and be blessed.

When Life Sucks

I've never been a fan of the phrase "that sucks," but lately I've realized that sometimes it's the best way to describe some things.  I have a lot of friends and family members who are going through really hard things right now.  I'm going through hard stuff right now.  Life is hard.  I have a good friend who always says this life is boot camp. Sometimes all you can say is, "This really sucks." It's really tough.  Praise God that this life isn't all there is for those who trust in Him.

A friend of mine, Karen, recently told me she is doing a study of First Peter by Kyle Idleman.  I haven't seen the study, but she told me that he said something to the extent of, "God will not waste suffering. It will result in something beautiful... salvation for our souls."  Isn't that a wonderful thought?  None of our suffering is for nothing.  God has a plan and a purpose for it.

I love the hope that is found in chapter one:

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is by His great mercy that we have been born again, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectation, and we have a priceless inheritance - an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay.  And through your faith, God is protecting you by His power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see.  So be truly glad.  There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine.  It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold - though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.  So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honour on the day when Christ Jesus is revealed to the whole world" (1 Peter 1:3 - 7 - emphasis mine).

What glorious hope we have in Christ!  Though we endure many trials for a little while, great joy is coming!  This life isn't the end.  I recently heard someone say that for the believers in Christ, this life is the worst it will get. We have heaven to look forward to, where there will be no more weeping, no more suffering, no more sickness, no more pain.  And there is joy to be found here in the midst of our suffering through the power of the Holy Spirit.

To paraphrase my friend, Karen, we can take our times of suffering and turn them into times of being holy (set apart).  This results in joy.  We don't have to be happy with our trials, but through our periods of suffering, we can seek the Lord and His wisdom, His ways, His thoughts.  And that creates a beautiful picture for the rest of the world of perseverance, humility, character, strength.  People will see Jesus in us.

I honestly don't know how people can get through life without Jesus.  Life is hard for everyone.  We all must endure hardships, suffering, sickness, loss, tears, grief.  When we know Christ, these trials serve to strengthen us and draw us closer to God.  There is so much joy and peace in God's presence, even when life sucks.  James 4:8 says, "Come close to God, and He will come close to you." What a promise!  Can there be anything better than being close to God, than being in the presence of our heavenly Father who loves us more than anything?!

So yes, sometimes life really sucks. But when we use those hard times to lean into God, He can use them to teach us, to shape us into people who reflect Jesus. It's not easy to rejoice in suffering, but it's amazing the joy that comes when we persevere through it and just trust that God knows what He's doing. "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning" (Psalm 30:5b).

All You've Ever Wanted...

I've always been a musical person, and I love that we can worship God through music.  One of the Christian artists I really enjoy is Casting Crowns, especially their more recent songs.  Since their lead singer, Mark Hall, battled cancer, I find myself really connecting with the songs he writes as I can completely relate to his experience and his calling upon God in his times of need.

One of the areas I really struggle with is staying connected to God when things are going well. In addition to spending time in prayer and in God's Word, I find that music is a great way to reconnect with God when I'm starting to become apathetic in my walk with Him.  It's so easy to stay close to God when we're struggling and crying out to Him, but when things start going well again, I tend to neglect my relationship with Him because I figure I can handle things myself.  The song All You've Ever Wanted really resonates with me. For the past month, I've felt pretty good.  I've had a break from chemo, and I'm starting to feel like myself again, even though the cancer is still there.  I really need to make sure I stay connected to God.  This song calls me back to Jesus.  It reminds me that nothing I can do in my own strength will ever compare with what God has done for me. (Plus as a pianist, I love the piano parts in the song!) .

I just looked up today 
And realized how far away I am from where You are
You gave me life worth dying for
But between the altar and the door
I bought the lies that promised more
And here I go again

Lord, I know I let You down
But somehow, I will make You proud
I'll turn this sinking ship around 
And make it back to You

But all my deeds and my good name
Are just dirty rags that tear and strain
To cover all my guilty stains
That You already washed away

'Cause all You've ever wanted, all You've ever wanted
All You've ever wanted was my heart
Freedom's arms are open, my chains have all been broken
Relentless love has called me from the start
And all You wanted was my heart

I was chasing healing when I'd been made well
I was fighting battles when You'd conquered hell
Living free but from a prison cell
Lord, I lay it down today

So I'll stop living off of how I feel
And start standing on Your truth revealed
Jesus is my strength, my shield
And He will never fail me

No more chains, I've been set free
No more fighting battles You've won for me
Now in Christ, I stand complete

I encourage you to click the link and listen to the song.  If you're walking with Jesus, may it draw you closer to Him.  If you've never given your heart to Jesus, that's all He wants from you.  It doesn't matter what you've done or haven't done.  Draw near to Him; give Him your heart.  You won't regret it!

Blessing and Being Blessed

Something I have had to learn how to do since I was diagnosed with cancer is to let people do things for me and to know when to ask for help.  This is very challenging for me because I'm fiercely independent and I've always taken care of myself.  I was the one who would want to help others and volunteer to do things and make sure I was useful.  I always felt blessed when I could help someone or do something meaningful.  Well, God is sure showing me the other side of that now!

The amazing thing is that there is blessing both in being the one who helps and being the one who is helped, and I'm very grateful that I've had the opportunity to experience both sides of that (although if I'm being honest, I would really like to get back to the side of being the one who helps!).

This is a good lesson for all of us, including my children.  After I was hospitalized in March, some staff and parents at our school decided that they would provide lunch for my boys for the rest of the school year. What a generous gift and blessing that was for us, and I was so humbled to see how much our boys and our family are loved and taken care of by our school community.  It was challenging at first for my boys to receive food from their classmates.  It was hard for me as a mom to let other people take care of my children.  But I realized that I needed to allow other people to be blessed by giving to us (plus, we really needed the help!).  This was as much about us as it was about the blessing these families would receive by helping us.  That's not to say that we should sit back and just let others do things for us all the time so they can be blessed!  I'm saying that when we're in need, even though it's sometimes difficult to accept help, we don't want to "steal" someone else's blessing of helping us.

This has been especially true for me when it comes to prayer.  I have realized over the course of this cancer battle that prayer is so important.  Prayer isn't just wishing something would happen or thinking good thoughts.  Prayer is actually talking to God, the Creator of everything.  How amazing is it that we can talk to our Heavenly Father?!

There are so many Scripture passages on prayer, and I won't even pretend to understand them all.  What I want to focus on is the blessing of praying for each other.  We are commanded in Scripture over and over to pray - for each other, for wisdom, without ceasing, with joy, with thanksgiving, in faith.  Prayer is pretty much a given for the believer in Christ.  Yet how much time to we really spend talking with God?  And how often do we tell our brothers and sisters in Christ what we need prayer for?

This struck me again yesterday.  I've really been struggling this week with my chemo side effects.  It's been a really rough week.  My go-to when I'm struggling is to cocoon and not speak to anyone until I feel better.  But yesterday afternoon as I was lying on the couch feeling nauseated and barely able to move, I thought, "Why am I not asking people to pray for me?"  If ever we need prayer, it's when we're struggling.  I put out a quick blurb on my cancer Facebook page asking for prayer.  It's a humbling thing to do, but I think we as believers need to do it.  James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and PRAY FOR EACH OTHER so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."  How can we pray for each other if we don't know what each other is going through?  I'm not saying that everyone needs to announce everything on social media, but we should all have a few people we can go to when we need prayer so that we can lift each other up.  It's amazing how much better I felt just reading people's encouraging comments after I posted my prayer request, plus my side effects have subsided today, and I feel a lot better physically.

Praying for each other is important in so many ways.  It allows us to connect to each other and bless each other.  It allows us to come into God's presence and present our requests to Him.  It builds community among believers - it's hard to be angry with someone when we're praying for him or her!  It humbles us - asking for prayer is hard!  It draws us closer to God.  As we spend time with Him, the things of this world don't seem quite as important.

Another thing I've learned in this season of having to depend on people to help me is that I'm not quite as useless as I thought. I can still pray, which is a huge thing!  So even if I can't volunteer very much at school or work or cook meals for people or do much housework or bake cookies for church (okay, I'm sounding pretty useless here!), I can still lift others up in prayer.  I can still talk to God and spend time with Him.  So I can still hopefully be a blessing to others as I continue to learn to humble myself and allow them to bless me as well.

One of my favourite passages of Scripture is Hebrews 10:19-25:

"And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven's Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus.  By His death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place.  And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God's house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting Him.  For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water.  Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.  Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.  And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of His return is drawing near."

What a beautiful picture of the hope we have in Christ, of our confidence in prayer, and of what we as believers should be doing.

More of God at Work

Many of you know all the trouble I went through to get into the clinical trial I participated in.  I needed a liver biopsy to determine whether I had the right cancer gene for the trial, but my platelet count was too low and they weren't going to do the biopsy if it wasn't high enough.  I managed to get the count up just before the biopsy so it could go ahead.  Then the lab lost my sample not once, but twice.  When it was finally found, it was determined that I did not have the gene, but my oncologist said that the other properties of the cancer were close enough that I could participate in the trial.  This whole process took more than two months, when it was only supposed to take a couple of weeks. So after everything, I was admitted into the clinical trial, and we hoped that this was the miracle treatment we had been looking for.  It consisted of two medications: one was an immunotherapy drug and the other was a cancer blocker.

After the clinical trial did not work and I ended up in the hospital with acute liver failure, my husband and I wondered why on earth God had allowed me to be accepted into it when it likely almost killed me.

We got a bit of an answer when I went for my blood work last week, which I do before every round of chemo.  The nurse who was in charge of the clinical trial came to see me for some followup.  Since I was one of the first people in this clinical trial, they didn't have a lot of information about results when I started.  However, the nurse told me that they are now finding that for people who are on the immunotherapy drug, chemotherapy is more effective afterwards.  We have been amazed by how well my chemo is working now, and it is likely because of the immunotherapy.  Plus, she said the immunotherapy lasts for several months even after you stop taking the drug!  So God knew all along that I would need that immunotherapy drug, even though the trial wouldn't work for me.  He is now doing an amazing work of shrinking my tumours with chemotherapy combined with the immunotherapy!  How awesome is that?!

Our God's timing is perfect.  He sees the whole picture even when we don't understand why we are going through something, and He has a reason for everything that happens to us. What an awesome God He is!

Do Not Worry - Easier Said Than Done!

Life with cancer seems to be one period of waiting after another.  We can't really make any long-term plans because we're always waiting for the next round of scans or results or chemo or whatever cancer decides to throw at us.

I have just finished another short period of waiting and being in limbo, and I am now entering the next one.  I had scans done on May 17, which thankfully showed that my tumours are shrinking - a miracle in itself when two months ago I was in the hospital with liver failure and told I had weeks to live!  That means I'll do two more cycles of chemo and then have more scans to see if the chemo is continuing to work.

Waiting is hard!  This time it is especially difficult because if this chemo stops working, we don't have any other medical treatment options left to try here in Canada (we're researching other options, though).  I'm trying not to let my mind go to worrying because it doesn't help anything.

Some people have commented that I'm so positive about everything, especially when I post on social media or write in my blog.  I feel like I should share that while I do try to be positive and look for God's hand at work, I'm not always positive!  And by the time I'm posting online, I've already gone through a huge personal, private process of wrestling through things in my own mind and with God.  Believe me, it's a process, and I struggle with worrying!  Being an introvert, I tend to internalize everything and work it through on my own and in prayer before I will share anything, so you're reading the end result of my long process of that.  If you could see what goes on in my mind before I get to that point, you'd probably be very worried about me!

So how do I keep going when it's hard?  I've posted previously about how "running my race" feels more like crawling through gravel right now (see this post), and it's felt like that for a long time.  It does get discouraging.  It does get challenging.  I go through a lot of days of sadness and doubt.  But every time I feel that way, God calls me back to Him.  He's never let go of me through all of this.  Over the past few weeks especially, when fears and doubts creep in, I hear God's gentle voice saying over and over again, "Trust Me. Trust Me. Trust Me."

God is continually drawing me to Him.  I try to spend time every day reading His Word, the Bible, and in prayer talking to Him.  It's not easy, and there are days when I don't take time for Him, but it's when I spend time with my God, my Jesus, in this way that I can fill my mind with things that take away worry and doubt.  "Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honour at God's right hand.  Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth" (Colossians 3:1-2).

When I fix my eyes on Him, I can see the blessings in these hard times:

• Countless people have told us how encouraged they are by us.  What a miracle!  I pray that God will continue use us to help build people up and encourage them.
• Many people have told us that they have grown in their faith by seeing how we walk through this trial.  When I was first diagnosed with cancer in 2016, I prayed that God would be glorified in it, no matter what the outcome. I can see the fruit of that prayer as people are challenged and encouraged to lean into God and trust Him.
• My children are seeing how to walk through something difficult and to trust God when we can't see what's coming or how things will turn out.  
• Death isn't the end for me.  I would love to be healed of this cancer, but if God chooses not to heal me here, then He has something far greater for me in Heaven, and I'll get to see Jesus face to face and be with Him forever!
• This trial is pushing me closer and closer to my God.  How sweet it is to be in His presence and learn to trust Him more.
• I have learned how to really worship God.  How beautiful to enter into His presence singing songs of praise to Him and knowing He is worthy of that praise. 

We are called by God not to worry. "Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need. So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.Today's trouble is enough for today" (Mathew 6:33-34).  It's easier said than done!  But when we focus on God and His Word and His promises, it's much easier to stop worrying.

Here are just a few of God's promises that I cling to when I'm afraid or worrying:

• "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." ~ 2 Timothy 1:7
• "I am convinced that nothing can every separate us fro God's love.  Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love." ~ Romans 8:38
• "We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.  In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name.  May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in You." ~ Psalm 33:20-22
• "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord." ~ Psalm 40:1-3

There are so, so many more.  The Psalms are filled with beautiful words of God's presence and comfort.  Praise God that He is intimately involved in our lives, and He cares so much about us that He doesn't want us to worry; He just wants us to trust Him.  He's got everything under control, and He wants what's best for us.  He doesn't promise us lives free from pain or sorrow - quite the opposite actually!  His concern is for our spiritual salvation, our growth, our character, our righteousness.  Sometimes what's best for us spiritually is hard to go through, but I trust that God's best for me is better than anything I can come up with myself, so I'll keep trusting Him - and I'll keep trying not to worry!

Thankful

Starting before Christmas, for several months leading up to my hospitalization, and for awhile afterwards, my liver was so swollen that it was pressing into my stomach, intestines, and lungs.  I also had a lot of fluid built up that was pressing into my organs as well.  This made it difficult to breathe, eat, or function properly.  I was winded just walking a few steps and had to sit down frequently to catch my breath, and I was using a wheelchair to get around if I had to go more than a few steps anywhere.  After I got out of the hospital, my legs were so weak, I still needed a wheelchair for awhile as I worked to regain my strength.  Slowly over the past two months, I have been getting stronger.

Well today, my family went to West Edmonton Mall, and I was able to walk from one end of the mall to the other with no breaks!  Not only that, tonight I was able to exercise on my elliptical for 20 minutes straight on a medium tension!  I am praising God for the healing work he's done in my liver.  It is still a bit swollen and gets agitated, but the fluid is gone.  For now, it is functioning well enough even though there are tumours in it, and I am so thankful.

To think that two months ago, doctors thought I would be dead within the week, and now I am eating, walking, exercising, and able to do a few things around the house (like some laundry and light cleaning).  This is a miracle!  Praise God for what He is doing!