A Wake Up Call - Finding Purpose in the Waiting

Lately I've been struggling with feelings of uselessness.  I can't go to work.  I haven't started chemo, so I'm in limbo.  I can't lift anything over ten pounds, so I can't do a lot around my house.  I had a liver biopsy last week that I had to recover from, so I felt like I was back to square one with healing.

Let me back up a bit...  After my lumpectomy and sentinal node biopsy in December, it took over six weeks for me to regain use of my arm again and start to have more energy.  For the first week, Ian had to dress me, bathe me, wash and comb my hair, prepare meals for me, and basically do everything for me because I was in pain and I couldn't lift anything or move my arm even to waist-height.  Gradually over the past two months, I have regained almost full movement of my arms, and I've even started exercising again on the treadmill and doing some squats and sit-ups!  I was starting to feel normal again.

For my liver biopsy last week, they had to take a 10-inch needle and stick it between my ribs and maneuver it down into my liver three times to take samples.  There was some local freezing for it so I didn't feel pain during the procedure, but I could feel the needle moving around in me and I almost passed out from that!  After the procedure, I had to lie in recovery for four hours before I went home.  I was on bed rest for two days after that.  During that time, I was in a lot of pain (poking holes in your liver will do that!), and I couldn't bend over or move very well as it jarred my abdominal area.  Ian again had to dress me and do almost everything for me.  It was very discouraging to feel like I had gone back to the beginning of my surgical recovery.

I am starting to feel better now, and I'm able to do my arm stretches again.  We even went for a short family walk after supper last night!  But I've still been feeling very useless.  I miss going to work. I miss my students and my work friends.  I miss feeling like I'm contributing in some way to other people.  Honestly, I've had quite the pity party over the last few days - sitting around doing nothing, feeling like I can't do anything!

But this morning I got a wake-up call.  I was reading "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, and I was struck by what I read this morning.  The book is written from the perspective of a demon writing to his nephew who is attempting to lure a Christian man from his faith and render him ineffective in his witness.  This chapter in particular was the demon giving his nephew the advice of getting the Christian into a place of "nothingness" and going through the motions so that he is lulled into complacency.  "And Nothing is very strong: strong enough to steal away a man's best years not in sweet sins but in a dreary flickering of the mind over it knows not what and knows not why...in drumming of fingers and kicking of heels, in whistling tunes that he does not like, or in the long, dim labyrinth of reveries that have not even lust or ambition to give them a relish, but which, once chance association has started them, the creature is too weak and fuddled to shake off." (p. 64, Barbour and Company).

God spoke to my heart this morning.  I prayed and asked Him to show me how I can serve Him even in this time of waiting.  There are still some things I can do.  I can still pray; there are so many people who need prayer that I can lift before God.  I can still worship God and lead others in worship.  I have been amazed that I still have strength to play the piano at church even when my arms ache and it hurts to sit.  God has graciously allowed me to continue to serve Him in that area.  I can still go to Awana and minister to kids (most days).  I can still do laundry and dishes and serve my family in small ways.  I can pray with my sons and offer words of encouragement to them.  I can listen to them practice their trombone and recorder music.  I can help them with their homework.  I can talk to my husband about his day and offer him encouragement.  I can play the piano at home and sing praises to my God.  I can read my Bible to fill my soul with hope and encouragement.

I need to focus on what I can do for God and not on what I can't do anymore.  This is my season of rest and (hopefully) healing.  Life is not what it was two short months ago, but that doesn't mean it can't be amazing and fulfilling and glorifying to God.  I've been reading Max Lucado's "Facing Your Giants," and he says to "rush your giant with a God-saturated soul."  My giant is cancer, and I'm not going to let it defeat me - physically, mentally, or spiritually.  As I seek God in prayer and in His word, He will saturate my soul and help me see things from His perspective, not my limited perspective.  Every day God gives us here on this earth is a gift and is meant to be used for His glory.  May we turn our eyes to Him and not to the circumstances we are in.  May we find hope and purpose in Him.

from Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado - W. Publishing Group

More Waiting - God is in Control, Not Me

I'm still waiting.  Since the CT scan showed spots on my liver and my echocardiogram showed some irregularity with my heart, my oncologist wants to see if the cancer has spread and if I'm healthy enough to start chemotherapy.  So, I need a liver biopsy, MRI, bone scan, and an appointment with my cardiologist.  More waiting!  Another thing that I’m learning in the waiting is that we are not in control.  This is very hard for a control freak like me to accept.  I like to plan everything and know what is going to happen.  I'm a teacher!  I have meal plans, lesson plans, year plans, unit plans, a calendar on my fridge and on my phone, and the list goes on.  But here’s the truth: we’re not in control of what happens to us.  The only thing we are in control of is how we react to what happens to us.  Plans change.  Disaster strikes. Our children disobey.  It rains when we planned an outside activity.  The stove stops working right before we want to cook supper.  Disease hits.  Little or big, things happen that are beyond our control.  But guess who is in control:  God.  I don’t know about you, but it gives me great comfort to know that Someone who is loving, righteous, kind, pure, holy, perfect, and who knows everything is in control and not me.  And He’s working everything for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).  So in the waiting, I’m learning to let go and just rest in knowing that God knows what is going to happen and He’s got it.  

Where is God in the Waiting?

This weekend my church hosted a scrapbooking day for about 40 ladies, and I was asked to share a bit of my testimony and what is happening to me right now.  Here is what I shared with them:

Waiting.  Most of us don’t like waiting, especially when we don’t know what’s going to happen.  God has been teaching me a lot about waiting.  I’ve been asked to share a little of what I’ve been going through in the past little while, and I hope it will be an encouragement to you. 

At the beginning of October, I found a lump on my breast.  I didn’t think too much about it because I had found lumps before and they all turned out to be cysts.  Still, I made an appointment with my doctor to have it checked out.  It was two weeks before I could get an appointment.  She agreed I should have it checked, so we booked a mammogram and ultrasound.  Again more waiting – it was almost a month before I could get in for those tests.  At the ultrasound, they confirmed there was a lump, but they couldn’t tell what it was, so they referred me for a biopsy.  Another few weeks of waiting for that.  By the way, biopsies are painful!  Then I had to wait another week and a half to find out the results of the biopsy.  It was about the end of November when I heard the words that I had not really expected to hear, but dreaded nonetheless – I have breast cancer. 

I went home and had a good cry with my husband.  We prayed together – not really knowing what to pray, but just handing it over to God.  An amazing thing happened as we prayed and as my friends started praying for me.  I was overcome with peace.  A palpable, completely illogical peace.  And joy – the kind of joy that cannot be explained by our circumstances but that can only come from God Himself.  And as we prayed, we kept waiting.

I met my surgeon at the beginning of December.  He said I needed to have a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy to remove the lymph nodes that were closest to the tumour.  He told me to expect this to be followed by about 5 weeks of daily radiation and then possibly chemotherapy.  I just needed to wait for my surgery date (again – more waiting!). 

As a teacher, I don’t have the kind of job that I can just take days off from spontaneously, so the waiting and not knowing was difficult.  I spent the month of December planning for my replacement teacher and training her on how I run my classroom.  Then, on December 21, I started the first phase of my cancer treatment journey, undergoing surgery to remove the tumour and what turned out to be 11 lymph nodes.   No one tells you ahead of time how agonizing the recovery from surgery will be.  I woke up with a drain in my side and two gigantic incisions - one under my armpit and one in my breast.  I was unable to move my right arm.

Then, more waiting!  They won’t start treatment on you until you have completely recovered from surgery, so I began the process of healing.  I had to do painful exercises every day to gain movement back in my arm, and the fatigue is unbelievable.  I was exhausted after doing small tasks for only an hour!  After two weeks, the drain was removed – that was a huge relief!  After three weeks, we met again with my surgeon.  He said that there was cancer in three of the lymph nodes they removed, so I would need chemo first, followed by radiation and hormone therapy.  

It has now been just over six weeks since my surgery.  Every day, I’ve gained more strength and mobility back in my arm.  Things are finally starting to happen now.  This past week, I’ve had an echocardiogram, CT scan, and I’ve met with my oncologist. 

But there are still a lot of unknowns.  On Friday, my oncologist said that there are some spots on my liver that look like cancer, so I still have to have more tests. I don’t know if I’m going to die from this cancer.  I don’t know how my body will react to chemotherapy.  I don’t know when or if I’ll be able to go back to work.  I don’t know how long I’ll be having treatments for.  So there is still more waiting to be done.

So far, it doesn’t sound very pleasant!  Now here’s the encouraging part.  What am I learning through all this waiting?  Lots, but I’ve narrowed it down to three points that I want to talk about.

1. Sometimes life sucks.  Our society today preaches a message of happiness.  If it feels good, do it.  If it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it.  You should always be happy.  Seek happiness above everything.  If you’re not happy, quit and do something else.  It sounds good, but it’s impossible.  Bad things are going to happen.  We’re not always going to be happy.  We don’t know when someone we love will die, a natural disaster will occur, terrorist attacks will happen, houses will flood or burn down, forest fires will decimate a community.  The list goes on.  God actually promises in His word that we will go through hard times.  John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  What we need to do is ask what God wants us to learn through the hard things.  I heard a quote from a very wise man from our church, Mr. Peter McCallum.  He said, “God loves you just as you are, but He also loves you too much to let you stay that way.”  Often the times we grow the most are in the hard times.  We often want to ask, “Why me?” when something bad happens.  But really, why not me?  Job said, “Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?”  We need to change the question.  Instead of, “Why me?” I asked myself, “What is God trying to teach me through this?  How can I glorify God through this?  How can God use this to help others?”  And I do know one other thing:  Happiness and joy are not the same thing.  While I’m not happy that I have cancer, I have an amazing joy that comes from God.  My joy is not dependent on what is happening to me.  I can have joy outside of my circumstances because God has filled me with His Spirit.  Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  I accepted Jesus as my Saviour when I was 17 years old, and I’ve walked with God ever since.  I’ve gone through a lot of amazing, fantastic times.  Why should I stop trusting Him now that something I’m not thrilled with is happening?  I’ve seen enough of God’s goodness to know that I can trust Him and that He is going to take this horrible season and turn it into something good.  And yes, that means even if I die from cancer, I trust that God is in control of it, and He can use that for something good - maybe for someone else.  I may not know it or understand it, but I know HE IS TRUSTWORTHY. 

2. God is with us in the waiting – As I mentioned before, I have felt God’s presence and peace through this whole process.  Sure, I’ve had my moments of crying and wanting to give up, and the hard part hasn’t even started yet.  But God will not let me go.  John 1:12 – 13 says, “Yet to all who did receive him (Jesus), to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God - children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.”  What does it mean to be a child of God?  When we receive Jesus as our Saviour and become a child of God, God promises that He will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  We are NEVER alone.  We may go through hard times, but we never go through them by ourselves.  And knowing that God is with me gives me hope.  Psalm 62:5-6 says, “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.”

3. Don’t let fear overwhelm you – true peace comes from God.  There is a lot of fear in our society these days.  You don’t have to scroll through Facebook for very long to see all the evidence of fear – some of it justifiable, most of it not!  And a cancer diagnosis comes with a lot of fear!  Even though I trust God, that doesn’t mean I’m not sometimes afraid.  I don’t look forward to the pain I’m going to have to go through.  I don’t want to go through chemo and feel sick.  I don’t want my kids to have to grow up without their mother or my husband to be a widower.  I don’t want to lose my hair!  But here is what I have also learned:  God’s love casts out fear.  When I am fearful, it is because in my mind, I’m going through all the possibilities of what could happen.  Matthew 6:27 says, “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”  All the scenarios I’m going through in my mind cannot possibly happen.  Sure, some of them may, but I don’t know which ones, and worrying about them won’t change things.  Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”  When I choose to focus my thoughts on God and His promises, I have peace.  When I hand my fears over to Him and choose to trust Him with what will happen, I have peace.  God was not surprised by my cancer diagnosis.  He knew it was going to happen, and He is walking beside me and before me, preparing the way for me.  I’m going to try to let Him handle the details and not worry because fear does not help me. 

So in the waiting, I’m learning to let go and just rest in knowing that God knows what is going to happen and He’s got it.  So I will continue to wait.  I’m just at the beginning of my cancer journey, and I know there is a lot of hard stuff ahead for me, but I also know that my God is good, He is with me, He is trustworthy, He gives me peace, and He is in control.   Psalm 33:20-22 says, “We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.  In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you.”

I don’t know what you’re going through right now.  Some of you are in a good season; some of you are struggling with things and going through hard times.  Please know that for those who are children of God, He is with you through all of it.  Do you understand how much God loves you?  Will you trust Him?  

Thoughts on Galatians

Some thought and questions as I read through Galatians:

- 1:6 - "I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel - which is really no gospel at all."  How many "Christians" today are making up their own gospel or are being led astray by people claiming they have the truth, but really it is a distortion of Scripture.  We can't take parts of the Bible and leave others that we don't like.  The Truth is the Truth.

- 1:9 "If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned!"  God takes it very seriously when His word is distorted or if anyone preaches anything other than the true gospel.

- 1:10b "If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."  Who am I seeking approval from?  Am I boldly declaring the truth of God's word, or am I afraid of what others will think of me?

- 2:16 "Man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ." Nothing we can do - no good works or obedience - will justify us before God.  Only our faith in Jesus Christ and what He did for us on the cross will make us right with God.

- 2:19-21 "For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God.  I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

- 3:23-25 "Before this faith came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed.  So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith.  Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law."

- 5:13 "You, my brothers, were called to be free.  But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather serve one another in love."

-5:16-17, 19-21 "So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature.  They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.,. The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery, idolatry and witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy, drunkenness, orgies and the like.  I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God."

It is evident from Paul's letter to the Galatians that we are no longer restricted by the law.  We are free in Christ.  That, however, does not give us license to sin.  Even though the law no longer applies to us, if we are truly living by the Spirit as God wants us to, we will not be indulging in sinful behaviour.  Instead, we will see the fruit of God's Spirit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (5:22-23).

Am I Nurturing the Soil of My Sons' Souls?

I recently read the article "Nurturing a Child's Soul" from The Better Mom which talks about how instead of worrying about the seed we are sowing, we should be making sure the soil of our children's souls is ready to receive the seed.  The seed of the gospel is perfect already, and God will not let His Word return to Him void, so we don't need to worry about the packaging the Message comes in.  Our children will receive it if the soil of their hearts is prepared.

To quote the author of the article, "Will our child’s soul be cultivated like the good soil where the seed falls and grows and produces a bumper crop of God’s love, grace, power and purpose? Or will our child’s soul be like the rocky place or the shallow soil where the gospel either cannot be rooted or is rooted only inches deep? Will the enemy come and snatch the truth from our children because their hearts are not prepared to really embrace what God has for them? As parents, it is our responsibility and our calling to cultivate the soil of our child’s heart. To breathe life and unconditional love and understanding into them. To show them the true nature of Christ by actually living it out every day.  We are called to humbly live an authentic life devoted to the call of being a real disciple of Jesus."

This is a huge challenge for me.  Am I living every day in an authentic, godly, gracious, loving way that will attract my sons to the gospel?  Do they see Christ in me?  Are my words and actions in line with Scripture?  What a huge responsibility.  Praise God for His grace to cover over my sins and for His strength to take on the responsibility of being a godly mother.  Thank God for His Holy Spirit who dwells in me to lead and guide me.

My prayer for my sons is that their hearts would be fertile soil to receive the seed of God's Word, that the seed would take root in their hearts and produce a crop of righteousness.  I pray that they would seek and follow Jesus all their lives, that they will grow up to be strong Christian men who are not ashamed of the gospel of Christ and who boldly lead others in the way of salvation.  This starts with me and my husband cultivating the soil of their hearts through our own walks with the Lord.  God help me!

How Great is Our God

While on my way to a friend's house last night, I was struck by the splendour and majesty of our Great God.  Look at this gorgeous sunset He created.  A photo can't capture it in its full beauty.

"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualitites - His eternal power and divine nature - have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." ~ Romans 1:20

How Great is Our God, indeed.

Little Good-Byes

I have read tons of blog posts that talk about motherhood as a series of good-byes.  This one in particular, by my friend, Sarah, speaks to my heart. 

I had my own good-bye moment this morning with my oldest son, who just started grade four.  I am typically a very over-protective mother, and I have to work really hard at allowing my kids to step out on their own. If I had my way, my kids would always be with me and I would do everything for them!  (I don't do this, but I would if I could!)  I know in my head that it is the best thing for them to gain independence and confidence to do their own thing and leave the nest.  This summer, in particular, has been about letting go.  Adam has gotten very good at riding his bike, and he has a friend who lives down the road from us.  All summer, they have been biking around the neighbourhood and going to the park and playing together.  This is relatively safe, in my opinion, because we live in a quiet cul-de-sac with not a lot of traffic.

Well, Adam has been begging to ride his bike to school, which would be all well and good for me except that he has to cross a busy intersection on a main road in town to get there.  We have done practice runs together, allowing him to ride ahead of us and show us what he would do on his own and how he would cross the busy street.  We practiced locking his bike up once he got to school.  He is ready.  Unfortunately, I'm not!

Well, today was the day.  We told him last night that he could ride to school today by himself.  He was so excited!  Then late last night a news report came out about a young child in our town who had been hit by a car crossing the street at his school yesterday.  The crossing lights were flashing, the child had the right-of-way; he did everything the way he was supposed to.  Unfortunately, the woman driving the car did not.  She was going too fast through a school zone, she wasn't paying attention and she hit this small boy, who fortunately is still alive and recovering.

Of course, this drove me into panic mode as a mama.  But I wasn't about to deprive my boy the joy of being independent because of my fears.  We had a good talk this morning about making eye contact with the drivers of cars before he crossed the street and making sure he was paying attention to the vehicles to see what they were doing.

And off he went (with me praying the whole time!).  I walked his little brother to school several blocks behind him, so I could see how he was doing.  And he was a champ.  He walked his bike across all the streets.  He paid attention at the busy intersection.  He arrived to school safely and locked his bike up like a pro.

Still, it's hard to let go and allow my kids to grow up.  I know my job as a parent is to prepare my kids to not need me anymore, and this involves a series of small good-byes and letting go little by little.  How else will we have strong, independent, confident children who grow into strong, independent, confident adults?  These kids are on loan to me for a little while.  God has entrusted them into my care for a brief moment.  It is my job to train them up in the way they should go and leave them in God's hands and trust Him with them.