Letting Go of My Plans

I recently made the tough decision to resign from my teaching position.  I would love to be able to go back to work in the fall, but I really don't know what my health will be like in five months.  I had to base my decision on what is going on now, and right now, I'm too tired from chemo to work. It looks like I will be on chemo indefinitely - for as long as it keeps shrinking my tumours.  I also wanted to be fair to my boss so he has the time to hire someone to fill my position.  This was a very tough decision - not because I didn't know it was the right thing to do, but because I LOVE my job.  Like, I really really love being a teacher.  If it was any other job, I would have said, "No problem!  I'm quitting!"  But this is a tough good-bye. My colleagues are my friends, and they have been so supportive of me and my family through this whole cancer battle.  This year away has been rough, and I always assumed I would be able return to work and get to be with them all again.  But God has other plans.

When I resigned from my teaching career 14 years ago after I had my first son, I was also sad, but excited for the future because I would get to be a stay-at-home mom.  I missed teaching, but I had another calling, and I loved it!  When the opportunity came about four years ago for me to go back to work at the school my kids attended, I felt so thankful and blessed.  It really is an amazing place to work - the kids, my colleagues, the community - they are all so wonderful.  This time the good-bye comes not because I have something better to do but because I don't have the strength to work and I need to take care of myself.

But here's the amazing thing: God has promised that He has plans to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11), even if I don't know what that looks like.  I have always been a planner, and I like to know what is happening today, next week, next month, next year.  Cancer has really thrown that out the window!  I have no idea what is going to happen, how long my current treatments will work for, how much energy I'll have each day, if I'll ever get to go back to teaching.  I just have to take it one day at a time and be thankful for each day that God gives me.  And isn't that how we're all supposed to live?  None of us really knows how much time we have here on this earth, so shouldn't we be looking at each day as a gift?

God knows my heart, and He knows how much I love being a teacher.  If I'm meant to go back to teaching one day, then He will provide that position for me when it is time.  I can't worry about that right now.  There are so many other things to be thankful for: a loving God who sustains me, gives me peace, joy, and hope, and provides for my needs; wonderful family and friends who encourage us and take care of us when I'm too tired to function; disability insurance so I still have an income while I'm unable to work; amazing health care so my medications and doctor visits are covered; the list goes on and on.

So I need to let go of my plans and trust God's plans for me.  And aren't His plans infinitely better than mine anyway?  So often I forget that.  In Philippians 3:13-14, Paul encourages us to "...focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."  For now, being a teacher is in the past, but God has called me to do other things during this season, and I will be obedient to that call.  My prayer is that God is glorified in whatever I do.  Even though my energy and strength are limited, I can do the things Christ gives me to do in His strength (Philippians 4:13).  Daily I surrender my plans to God and ask Him to show me how I can serve Him that day.  Each and every day is a new chance to bring Him glory and honour in my submission and obedience.  Psalm 25:10 tells us, "The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness all who keep His covenant and obey His commands."  He won't lead me astray even when I can't see the path ahead.

Image by Pure Joy Creative

Be Still and Know

I am continuing to learn about having peace in the waiting and peace in the midst of hard times. I just finished my first two weeks of chemo on a new treatment (still pills, thankfully!).  I spent two weeks being beyond exhausted and feeling nauseated and just "not right."  It really is frustrating not knowing the "why," but I have to remind myself that it's not the why that is important.  I may never know why this side of heaven.  But that doesn't stop me from asking!

I have realized how stubborn I am, and once again, I need to learn to listen to God.  I have a tendency to rush ahead with my plans and consult with God afterwards, which is really not the best way to do things.  I also like to be busy being "productive" and useful.  I like to know what's going to happen.  For the past several months, I have been anything but useful and productive, and it has been very frustrating for me.  I have been praying for God to show me what I can do and to heal me so I can be productive for Him and do great things for His kingdom.  It's been all about what I want to do and not about what God wants.  It finally dawned on me that maybe God could be trying to teach me something if I would just shut up and listen! (Duh!)

So I finally stopped telling God what I want and decided to stop and listen to what He might want.  I immersed myself in His Word with a prayerful heart, asking Him to speak and show me His will.

Here's what I learned:
1.  I am in a season of rest and healing right now.  It is not about me doing things.  It is not about planning or being busy or running around or ministering.  I have been so frustrated that I can't do anything that I forgot to look at this time for what it is.  I have been a go-getter all my life, and it's exhausting!  I need to use this time to be still and dig into God's Word.  I have time to sit and listen to Him.  I have time to read my Bible at my leisure.  I have time to pray for other people.  As my body rests and heals, I can use this time to be quiet before the Lord and learn from Him.

2.  The "why" is not important.  God allows different seasons in our lives to bring glory to Him.  Asking, "Why me?" is not productive and doesn't solve anything.  Why not me?  Bad things happen in this world.  This world is not my home, and it's definitely not perfect.  While I'm here, am I pointing people to Christ?  Am I trusting God with everything?  Am I seeking Him in ALL things?  I can look forward to a perfect eternity with Him when I get to my true home, but in the meantime, I need to just trust that He knows why things are happening.  He has a purpose for them, and He will use them for my good and for His glory. (Romans 8:28)

3.  I don't know what the future holds.  But I know the One who holds the future.  I don't know when or if I'll be able to go back to work.  I don't know when or if I'll be healed.  I don't know how much time I have here.  But God does, and He is good and trustworthy.  Each day He gives me is a gift, and I need to appreciate each day as it comes.  I feel like I'm living in limbo.  I've felt really good for the past few days since I have a week off of chemo, and I'm so thankful for that. But I know more treatment is coming, and I know I will have more days of exhaustion and pain and sickness.  I can't really make any long-term plans because I don't know what's going to happen with my health.  And I need to realize that it's okay.  Psalm 119:105 says, "Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path." It doesn't say that the light shines all the way to the end of the path; it shines at my feet, showing me where to take the next step.

Psalm 46:10 keeps coming back to me.  "Be still, and know that I am God!  I will be honoured by every nation.  I will be honoured throughout the world."  I often stop reading there, but verse 11 continues, "The Lord of Heaven's Armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress."  How beautiful and reassuring is that?  The Lord of Heaven's Armies is here.  Is there anyone more powerful?  He is my fortress.  I am safe, I am protected, I am secure.  I just need to BE STILL and trust Him.  Cancer may ravage my body, but it can't take my soul.  It can't separate me from God's love.  Romans 8:35 says, "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love?  Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?"  The answer is, "No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." (Romans 8:37)  Wow.

Be still and know.

Still Learning to be Content in the Waiting

"Seasons of waiting and preparation can be difficult times to practice contentment.  Yet God calls us to fix our eyes on Him and remember His deliverance in times past to help us learn to be content with His plan." - Melissa Spoelstra

I find myself in a period of waiting once again.  Last year, I was waiting for surgery, waiting to heal, waiting to find out what stage my cancer was at, waiting for treatment, waiting to go back to work.  After spring break, I was able to resume teaching, and God blessed me with energy and strength to finish off the school year.

I was feeling great as I went into summer, and then Whammo!  I was hit with another few set-backs: Gallbladder attack, gallbladder surgery, pulmonary embolism, stopping chemo treatments, healing from surgery and embolism, weaning off of pain meds, re-starting treatments.  It sounds like a lot when I put it down in writing!

I am amazed that God gave me the strength to deal with each thing as it came, and now I am in a place where I've recovered from the surgery and I'm off the pain meds.  I'm still recovering from the pulmonary embolism and cancer treatments, however, so I'm dealing with a lot of fatigue.  This has left me in a place of waiting once again. Waiting to regain my energy and strength, waiting to see if the tumours will start shrinking again, waiting until I feel well enough to go back to work.

I suck at waiting! I'm a planner and a doer.  I want to know what's going to happen tomorrow, and I want to be active and contribute to my family, my church, my school.  Lately I find myself fearful of stepping out and starting to do things, however small.  What if I have another embolism?  What if I start doing something and then I don't have the strength to finish it?  What if I go back to work and then I can't handle it?  What if I over-exert myself and then my body doesn't have the energy to fight cancer?

I have realized that these fears are from the enemy.  The Bible uses the phrase "Do not fear" over 360 times!   We are not meant to live in fear.  I have had to ask myself the question numerous times, "Am I dying of cancer or living with cancer?"  If I live in fear of doing anything because I might get sicker, then the Enemy wins.  He will have paralyzed me and rendered me ineffective.  I need to continually give my fears to God and follow His leading.  He will show me when it is time to start doing each thing again. He will lead me back to work when it's time.  He will give me opportunities to serve Him as I am ready, and He will give me the strength to complete them.  Already, I have been blessed to be able to resume playing the piano for worship at my church and to begin accompanying the glee club at our school.  These little steps show God's faithfulness in allowing me to serve others.

In the meantime, I must learn to be content in the waiting and healing.  I am still in a season of rest and recovery.  God has me in His capable hands, and I need to stop squirming and being impatient for Him to release me to be busy and doing.  I need to learn during this time to be content with the season I am in and allow Him to work His healing on my body, my mind, my soul.  This is an opportunity to be fully immersed in His Word and in prayer so I can be rejuvenated in my spirit.  God has healed me before, and He will heal me again in His way.  I pray that I can learn to be content and not anxious in the waiting.

The Best and Worst of Times

Warning: This post is quite long.  I wrote it mainly for myself, so I could get everything out.  If you make it through to the end, I hope it was worth the read!

This summer started out fantastic.  In July, my boys went on a missions trip to Guatemala with Impact Ministries.  They went with a team from our church and our school, so they were there with a lot of people they knew, and they were able to really gel as a team. They served the Guatemalan people, were stretched in their faith, and learned a lot.  I am so grateful that they had the opportunity to do this.

While they were gone, I had the opportunity to go out for coffee and lunch with a lot of friends, get the house organized, and enjoy some time to myself.  It was really peaceful and enjoyable.  I went to see my oncologist while they were away, and I learned that I was responding really well to treatment.  My tumours were shrinking, and he suggested I make an appointment with a gynecologist to have my ovaries removed because I was doing so well with hormone therapy.

When the boys returned, we went to B.C. for a week to visit with my mom and step-dad.  We had a lovely visit, and Ian and I were even able to get away for a night by ourselves to the Sparkling Hills resort in Vernon.

View from our hotel room at Sparkling Hills

On the way home from B.C., things took a bit of a turn.  I started getting some pain in my back.  That night after we got home, I was unable to sleep because I was in so much pain.  In the morning, I had an appointment for an injection at the Cross Cancer Institute, so I asked the nurse there about it, and she said I should go to the hospital.  I happened to have an appointment with my family doctor in the afternoon, so I waited until I saw her, and she also said to go to emergency, so we finally went.  (I'm stubborn, and I really didn't want to go to the hospital!)

It turned out that I had pancreatitis from a gallstone getting stuck in my pancreas.  I underwent two scope procedures called an ERCP to place a stent in the duct so that the gallstone could pass through.  I had to have two procedures because apparently I was too "combative" during the first procedure!  I wasn't put under anesthetic the first time, and the nurse said I fought during the procedure and ripped out the scope (I don't remember because they had given me a lot of drugs!).  I woke up from the first procedure with a fat lip!  They decided to do it with anesthetic the second time, so that one was successful.  After I recovered from that, the surgeon decided to remove my gallbladder to prevent further attacks.

I had been off my chemo drugs for a week, so it was a good time to do the surgery.  This was done on Monday, August 14 (I had been admitted into the hospital on August 9), and I was discharged the next day after being in the hospital for a week.  The surgeon was able to do the cholesystecomy (fancy word for gallbladder removal) laparoscopically, so I only had 4 small incisions to heal from.

Unfortunately, cancer complicates everything, and the following Sunday, I was in excruciating pain all through my back.  I couldn't even stand, it hurt so much.  I've never felt any pain like that before.  Ian called an ambulance because I couldn't even walk to the car for him to drive me back to the hospital. The EMTs couldn't find a good vein in my arms to put an IV in, so I ended up with an IV in my foot - not the most comfortable thing, but they started giving me morphine right away, so I forgave them!  It turns out that the combination of cancer treatments and surgery had caused Deep Vein Thrombosis (blood clots in the legs).  These clots dislodged and moved into my lungs, causing a Pulmonary Embolism.

It's not so much fun having an IV in your foot, but at least my toenails were pretty!

I spent another week in the hospital in excruciating pain.  This time, I felt like I was very close to dying.  At one point, I told Ian that if I saw a bright light, I was going into it!  I found out afterwards that a nurse told Ian that about 20% of people who have a pulmonary embolism die from it right away, so I was very fortunate that I survived it. My lungs had lots of fluid in them so it was difficult to breathe, even being put on oxygen.  I couldn't walk more than a few steps without having to sit and catch my breath.  They brought a walker and a wheelchair to my room, along with a chair to "do my business" in because I couldn't walk to the bathroom.  I felt like an 80 year old!

Thankful for the oxygen tube so I could breathe.  Loving my unwashed hair!

Every day, I received a morning and evening injection of anticoagulant to prevent more blood clots from forming.  I was also given very strong pain killers at different doses as the doctors tried to figure out how much I needed to manage the pain of the blood clots.  After about 5 days in the hospital, they drained my lungs.  This involved an uncomfortable procedure where they put a numbing/freezing agent into my back with a needle, then inserted another needle into my back with a tube to drain fluid from my lungs.  In all, they took out 650 ml.  They showed me as they filled jar after jar with the fluid.  It was surreal.  After that was finished, I was able to breathe much better.

Finally a few days later, after being in the hospital for a week, the doctor told me I could go home as long as I was able to give myself a daily injection of anti-coagulant. A nurse had shown me how to do it, and I had practiced myself for a couple of days, so I was anxious to get home.  It is very strange having to give yourself a needle, especially with my aversion to them!  I was also given a prescription for painkillers that made me very foggy and uncoordinated!  I was nervous about going home just because I would no longer have my oxygen or walker, and I was pretty light-headed, but at the same time, I was very excited to get the IV taken out and to be able to be in my own bed. I went home on August 27.  I had spent most of the month of August in and out of the hospital.

This was followed by numerous doctors appointments with different specialists.  I saw a thrombosis specialist who prescribed me a different anticoagulant.  She explained that cancer treatments and surgery are the leading risk factors for developing blood clots.  I was hoping to take an oral anti-coagulant, but with my cancer treatment, the injection is the best one.  I will need to be on that for probably as long as I am going through chemo treatments.

I met with the gynecologist who is going to remove my ovaries, and we decided that it is best to hold off on that for awhile until I have completely recovered from all of this other stuff!

I am trying to wean myself off of the painkillers.  It turns out that it can take many months for the blood clots in my lungs to dissolve, and they can cause pain the entire time.  I'm not able to drive while I'm on this medication, though, and apparently you can't just stop taking the meds cold-turkey, so I'm working my dosage down as much as I can and still handle the pain.

I recently found out that the stent they put in my pancreas when I first went into the hospital has not passed as it was supposed to, so now I have another procedure scheduled where they have to put a tube down my throat and remove the stent (another ERCP).  I'm not really looking forward to that, and I'm really hoping that the stent passes on its own while I'm waiting for my appointment!  However, I suppose I've been through worse, so I'm thankful that they'll be able to remove it.

While I was in the hospital, I will admit that I wasn't feeling very thankful or joyful.  But now, looking back, I can see the many blessings God gave me through the whole thing.  There were so many people praying for me and supporting me.  Many people came to visit me and make me feel special.  Ian was by my side the entire time.  I have an amazing husband who loves me so much.  My mom came out to help take care of my boys while I was in the hospital.  Ian's parents took the boys numerous times as well and made sure they were okay.  I don't know how we would have made it without our parents.  Some people from my church held a worship/prayer night for me where they sang some of my favourite worship songs and prayed for me and my family.  My boys have been helping out around the house, doing chores and picking up the slack that I'm not able to do.  Some of my teaching colleagues set up my classroom for me since I couldn't get into school.  (I'm still not back at work, but a lovely lady is filling in for me while I recover).  My boss has been so understanding, allowing me the time I need to recover.  When I got out of the hospital, many people from church provided meals for us.  I have many friends and family who drive me to my appointments since I can't drive right now.  Numerous people have come to visit me and cheer me up.  God has provided everything we needed through all of this.  As I'm beginning to feel better, I can see God's hand of mercy and blessing.  I am blessed to still be alive through all of this, and I'm feeling stronger every day.

I'm praying that I'll be able to start back on my chemo meds soon as I've had to go off them while I recover.  I'm also praying that the cancer hasn't spread and the tumours haven't started to grow again in the meantime.  Although I do know that even if the cancer is spreading, God will still be with me through that as well, providing what I need and helping me through it.

If you've managed to read to the end, thank you for bearing with me!  I hope you are encouraged that God is faithful and good even in our darkest, hardest circumstances.  What an amazing God we serve!

For All You Are

A song that has come to be deeply meaningful to me is "For All You Are" by Casting Crowns.  It is a beautiful picture of surrender to God.  With this summer's events (which I will detail in a later blog post), I have realized again that I am really not in control of anything.  It has been a hard time of letting go of me and holding onto God.  I don't always understand the why of this, but I trust that God only wants good for me and that beauty will come out of this time of pain.  Here are the lyrics:

When I'm standing at the end of me
In the rubble of my broken dreams
And the wells I've dug aren't filling me
And the world I've made's not what it seems to be

My life, Your grace
Here I exchange

All of me for all You are
I lay at Your feet my broken heart
And I'll find my healing in Your scars
All of me for all You are

You're the anchor in a raging sea
In the center of the storm You are my peace
You're the dreamer of my destiny
And all You have begun You will complete

Your life, my gain
Here I exchange

All of me for all You are
I lay at Your feet my broken heart
And I'll find my healing in Your scars
All of me for all You are.

Take a listen to the song.  It is a lovely reminder of God's sovereignty and His love for us.

To Live is Christ, to Die is Gain

I've said before that having cancer is as much a mental battle as a physical one, if not moreso.  I am constantly battling thoughts of "what if?"  Jesus commands us in Scripture not to worry about the future.  We are to take up our cross daily and follow Him.  It is sometimes hard not to let my mind go to future questions: When will my medication stop working?  Will I live to see my kids graduate?  Should we make plans for next summer? Two years from now?

It's exhausting and not worth it.  And it's disobedience.  Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Luke 12:25 says, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" So instead of worrying about tomorrow, I need to focus on what I can do TODAY for Christ.

One of my favourite passages of Scripture has become Philippians 1:18-24.  Paul wrote this book from prison, and he is likely awaiting execution.  In this section of his letter, Paul talks about his feelings about death.

"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God's provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.  I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or death.  For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me.  Yet what shall I choose?  I do not know!  I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body."

I love this picture of Paul torn between life and death.  He knows that when he dies, he will be with Jesus, which will be more amazing than anything here on earth.  At the same time, he wants to continue his earthly ministry and help people come to know Jesus here.  I know that to live is Christ and to die is gain.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be with Jesus when I die, and I am looking forward to that.  At the same time, there is a lot here that I don't want to miss out on.  I want to see my boys grow up. I want to grow old with my husband.  I want to be a grandmother one day.  I want to teach my students about Jesus.

There are no guarantees in this life, and none of us know how much time we have.  So I will put my trust in Jesus, and live for Him today.  My prayer is that each day I can do something for God's kingdom and bring glory to Him in the life I live.

A song that has taken on new meaning for me is "Live Like That" by Sidewalk Prophets.  Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes I think
What will people say of me
When I'm only just a memory
When I'm home where my soul belongs?

Was I love when no one else would show up?
Was I Jesus to the least of those?
Was my worship more than just a song?

I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned, never holding back
I want to live like that

Am I proof that You are who You say You are
That grace can really change a heart?
Do I live like Your love is true?

People pass, and even if they don't know my name
Is there evidence that I am changed?
When they see me, do they see You?

This is my challenge to myself.  Am I living in a way that God will say, "Well done," when I get to heaven?  Absolutely, to die is gain, but while I'm here, am I living for Christ?  I know I fall short in many ways and I have lots to learn, but I want to be continually seeking Jesus and living out His ministry while I'm here.

Check out the song here: Sidewalk Prophets - Live Like That

God is Good ALL the Time

I received an interesting phone call on Thursday.  I had gone for an MRI and a CT scan on Tuesday.  I almost passed out from getting the IV put in!  I just really hate the feeling of a needle moving around inside of me!  I'm fine with injections and blood work, but those IVs get me every time.  But that's another story!

Anyway, my oncologist called me on Thursday at work.  He started out by saying, "Do you have any pain in your stomach?"  Immediately I thought that the cancer had spread to my stomach and I had a moment of panic!  I explained that I had had some pain a few weeks ago, but that it seems to have gone away. Then he told me that the MRI showed that I have gallstones.  (I'll take gallstones over tumours any day!). After that he said, "Oh, and your tumours are shrinking!"  Shouldn't that have been your lead?  Anyway, it seems that after only two months, my tumours have dramatically shrunk and apparently some have disappeared!  There were 25 lesions on my liver a few months ago.  I'll get more details when I go to see my oncologist in a few weeks, but this is nothing short of a miracle.  When I started treatment, my doctor said that he hoped we could keep the tumours from growing and maybe shrink them a bit.  God's hand is all over this!  What a mighty God we serve!  He is more powerful than any cancer.

The funny thing is that I don't feel any different.  People have been saying, "You must be ecstatic!"  And yes, I am very happy and thankful that the tumours are shrinking, but I don't feel any less happy than I did before I received the news.  That's the amazing thing about the joy of the Lord.  I've had joy and peace for the past six months since receiving the news that I have cancer.  Of course I've had my moments of fear and crying and sadness, but overall, God has flooded me with His joy and peace.  My joy is not dependent on  my circumstances; it comes from the Lord and it is there in spite of whatever I'm going through.

A common phrase in many churches is, "God is good all the time; all the time God is good."  We say it almost casually, especially when a prayer is answered the way we want.  Yes, God is good.  And he would still be good even if my tumours weren't shrinking.  He is always good, and He is always working things for the good of those who love Him even when it doesn't feel good (Romans 8:28).

I have been thankful for so many things through this whole cancer journey.  I have so many people praying for me and caring for me and my family.  I have grown so much closer to God and learned to lean into Him and trust Him.  I have felt what it feels like to walk through fire and not be burned (Isaiah 43:2).  I have spent more time in prayer in the past six months than I have in the past six years!  I have felt God's presence with me as I cried out in pain.  I have felt God's hand of comfort and His peace as the storm raged around me.  I have heard His voice as I knelt before Him in prayer.  While I don't enjoy having cancer, I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade the past six months' time that I've spent growing closer to God for anything.  He is so GOOD, not because He is answering my prayers, but because that's just who He is.

So yes, I am ecstatic and joyful and thankful, but I was before, and I will still be even if the tumours start growing again because my God is in control and I trust Him.  He gives me joy as I walk with Him through the valley of the shadow of death because He is with me and He loves me and His plans are for my good (Psalm 23, Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11).

My cancer journey is far from over, and I'm still praying for complete healing.  I hope God will heal me, but even if He chooses not to, my hope is still in Him.