Anyway, my oncologist called me on Thursday at work. He started out by saying, "Do you have any pain in your stomach?" Immediately I thought that the cancer had spread to my stomach and I had a moment of panic! I explained that I had had some pain a few weeks ago, but that it seems to have gone away. Then he told me that the MRI showed that I have gallstones. (I'll take gallstones over tumours any day!). After that he said, "Oh, and your tumours are shrinking!" Shouldn't that have been your lead? Anyway, it seems that after only two months, my tumours have dramatically shrunk and apparently some have disappeared! There were 25 lesions on my liver a few months ago. I'll get more details when I go to see my oncologist in a few weeks, but this is nothing short of a miracle. When I started treatment, my doctor said that he hoped we could keep the tumours from growing and maybe shrink them a bit. God's hand is all over this! What a mighty God we serve! He is more powerful than any cancer.
The funny thing is that I don't feel any different. People have been saying, "You must be ecstatic!" And yes, I am very happy and thankful that the tumours are shrinking, but I don't feel any less happy than I did before I received the news. That's the amazing thing about the joy of the Lord. I've had joy and peace for the past six months since receiving the news that I have cancer. Of course I've had my moments of fear and crying and sadness, but overall, God has flooded me with His joy and peace. My joy is not dependent on my circumstances; it comes from the Lord and it is there in spite of whatever I'm going through.
A common phrase in many churches is, "God is good all the time; all the time God is good." We say it almost casually, especially when a prayer is answered the way we want. Yes, God is good. And he would still be good even if my tumours weren't shrinking. He is always good, and He is always working things for the good of those who love Him even when it doesn't feel good (Romans 8:28).
I have been thankful for so many things through this whole cancer journey. I have so many people praying for me and caring for me and my family. I have grown so much closer to God and learned to lean into Him and trust Him. I have felt what it feels like to walk through fire and not be burned (Isaiah 43:2). I have spent more time in prayer in the past six months than I have in the past six years! I have felt God's presence with me as I cried out in pain. I have felt God's hand of comfort and His peace as the storm raged around me. I have heard His voice as I knelt before Him in prayer. While I don't enjoy having cancer, I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade the past six months' time that I've spent growing closer to God for anything. He is so GOOD, not because He is answering my prayers, but because that's just who He is.
So yes, I am ecstatic and joyful and thankful, but I was before, and I will still be even if the tumours start growing again because my God is in control and I trust Him. He gives me joy as I walk with Him through the valley of the shadow of death because He is with me and He loves me and His plans are for my good (Psalm 23, Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11).
My cancer journey is far from over, and I'm still praying for complete healing. I hope God will heal me, but even if He chooses not to, my hope is still in Him.
