Don't get me wrong - I'm grateful for each time my scans come back showing the tumours are not growing. But at the same time, I know that unless God chooses to heal me, we're just delaying the inevitable, and that one day the chemo will stop working and the cancer will take over. Medically, there's not much we can do except buy some time. But is it worth it when that time is spent feeling horrible and useless? My husband says yes, which I am very grateful for - he hasn't given up on me yet! I know in my head that my worth doesn't come from what I can do, but from who I am. It's getting that head knowledge into my heart that's the hard part.
I do keep hoping for a miracle, and I know that the only reason I'm still here after my liver failure last spring is because of God's intervening. He is still a God of miracles. I know He is able to heal me if He chooses, and if He chooses not to heal me in this life, then I'll get a new healthy body in Heaven. It's the waiting that is so hard. And I do know that God can do a lot in the waiting. This has just been going on for so long that the waiting is getting tiring.
Fighting cancer is as much a mental battle as it is a physical one. People ask me continually when I'll be finished my chemo treatments. The answer is basically when they stop working. For most people who don't have metastatic cancer, they get assigned a certain number of chemo treatments, and then they're finished. I'll really never be finished until the cancer adapts to it and it stops working. It's exhausting, and it's taking a toll on my body. And really, I'm just tired.
I feel like other people are tired of it too. We've really felt people pulling away from us in the past few months. I think I'm pulling away too, subconsciously. I don't mean to, but it really feels like everyone else is living their lives and planning for the future, and we really can't plan more than a few weeks at a time because we're always scheduling around chemo treatments and scans. I know people are still praying for me, but my friendships are suffering because I'm just not able to participate in a lot of social activities. This battle is just so all-consuming that it's hard to focus on anything else, and I know that I need to shift the focus off of the cancer and back onto God and what He has planned for me. Again, it's easier said than done.
I really don't want the cancer to rule my life, and I'm afraid I've started to allow it to. So I guess this blog post is my confession and my resolution. It's therapeutic to just express this and admit what I'm feeling, and now I need to stop wallowing and start living while I can.
So how do I stop letting cancer rule my life? I need to look to God and His Word to see what He has to say about that.
Psalm 119:28 says, "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your word."
Isaiah 40:28-31 says, "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
In Matthew 11:28-29, Jesus says, "'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'"
Hebrews 12:1b-3 says, "Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
One of my favourite passages has always been 2 Peter 1:3-11:
"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption of the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins. Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
I am so thankful for the truth of God's Word and for His promises to us. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I'm struggling. Yes, this road is hard. But if I cling to God and His Word, He will give me strength. He will give me everything I need for life and godliness. He will give me rest. This is my resolution: I will trust God to provide what He says He will provide; I will be thankful for the people in my life and the blessings God has given me; I will look to God and to His Word when I'm feeling discouraged; I will not allow cancer to rule my life or define who I am. And really, if God spared my life last spring, then He has a reason for that and a purpose for me to be here, even if I don't understand it or know what it is yet.
The very fact that Jesus gave His life for me means that I have intrinsic worth no matter what I am able to do. A good friend of mine recently introduced me to a beautiful song by Kari Jobe that beautifully describes God's view of His children. I hope you'll take a few minutes to listen to What Love is This and be blessed.
