I have realized how stubborn I am, and once again, I need to learn to listen to God. I have a tendency to rush ahead with my plans and consult with God afterwards, which is really not the best way to do things. I also like to be busy being "productive" and useful. I like to know what's going to happen. For the past several months, I have been anything but useful and productive, and it has been very frustrating for me. I have been praying for God to show me what I can do and to heal me so I can be productive for Him and do great things for His kingdom. It's been all about what I want to do and not about what God wants. It finally dawned on me that maybe God could be trying to teach me something if I would just shut up and listen! (Duh!)
So I finally stopped telling God what I want and decided to stop and listen to what He might want. I immersed myself in His Word with a prayerful heart, asking Him to speak and show me His will.
Here's what I learned:
1. I am in a season of rest and healing right now. It is not about me doing things. It is not about planning or being busy or running around or ministering. I have been so frustrated that I can't do anything that I forgot to look at this time for what it is. I have been a go-getter all my life, and it's exhausting! I need to use this time to be still and dig into God's Word. I have time to sit and listen to Him. I have time to read my Bible at my leisure. I have time to pray for other people. As my body rests and heals, I can use this time to be quiet before the Lord and learn from Him.
2. The "why" is not important. God allows different seasons in our lives to bring glory to Him. Asking, "Why me?" is not productive and doesn't solve anything. Why not me? Bad things happen in this world. This world is not my home, and it's definitely not perfect. While I'm here, am I pointing people to Christ? Am I trusting God with everything? Am I seeking Him in ALL things? I can look forward to a perfect eternity with Him when I get to my true home, but in the meantime, I need to just trust that He knows why things are happening. He has a purpose for them, and He will use them for my good and for His glory. (Romans 8:28)
3. I don't know what the future holds. But I know the One who holds the future. I don't know when or if I'll be able to go back to work. I don't know when or if I'll be healed. I don't know how much time I have here. But God does, and He is good and trustworthy. Each day He gives me is a gift, and I need to appreciate each day as it comes. I feel like I'm living in limbo. I've felt really good for the past few days since I have a week off of chemo, and I'm so thankful for that. But I know more treatment is coming, and I know I will have more days of exhaustion and pain and sickness. I can't really make any long-term plans because I don't know what's going to happen with my health. And I need to realize that it's okay. Psalm 119:105 says, "Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path." It doesn't say that the light shines all the way to the end of the path; it shines at my feet, showing me where to take the next step.
Psalm 46:10 keeps coming back to me. "Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honoured by every nation. I will be honoured throughout the world." I often stop reading there, but verse 11 continues, "The Lord of Heaven's Armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress." How beautiful and reassuring is that? The Lord of Heaven's Armies is here. Is there anyone more powerful? He is my fortress. I am safe, I am protected, I am secure. I just need to BE STILL and trust Him. Cancer may ravage my body, but it can't take my soul. It can't separate me from God's love. Romans 8:35 says, "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?" The answer is, "No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." (Romans 8:37) Wow.
Be still and know.
