I find myself in a period of waiting once again. Last year, I was waiting for surgery, waiting to heal, waiting to find out what stage my cancer was at, waiting for treatment, waiting to go back to work. After spring break, I was able to resume teaching, and God blessed me with energy and strength to finish off the school year.
I was feeling great as I went into summer, and then Whammo! I was hit with another few set-backs: Gallbladder attack, gallbladder surgery, pulmonary embolism, stopping chemo treatments, healing from surgery and embolism, weaning off of pain meds, re-starting treatments. It sounds like a lot when I put it down in writing!
I am amazed that God gave me the strength to deal with each thing as it came, and now I am in a place where I've recovered from the surgery and I'm off the pain meds. I'm still recovering from the pulmonary embolism and cancer treatments, however, so I'm dealing with a lot of fatigue. This has left me in a place of waiting once again. Waiting to regain my energy and strength, waiting to see if the tumours will start shrinking again, waiting until I feel well enough to go back to work.
I suck at waiting! I'm a planner and a doer. I want to know what's going to happen tomorrow, and I want to be active and contribute to my family, my church, my school. Lately I find myself fearful of stepping out and starting to do things, however small. What if I have another embolism? What if I start doing something and then I don't have the strength to finish it? What if I go back to work and then I can't handle it? What if I over-exert myself and then my body doesn't have the energy to fight cancer?
I have realized that these fears are from the enemy. The Bible uses the phrase "Do not fear" over 360 times! We are not meant to live in fear. I have had to ask myself the question numerous times, "Am I dying of cancer or living with cancer?" If I live in fear of doing anything because I might get sicker, then the Enemy wins. He will have paralyzed me and rendered me ineffective. I need to continually give my fears to God and follow His leading. He will show me when it is time to start doing each thing again. He will lead me back to work when it's time. He will give me opportunities to serve Him as I am ready, and He will give me the strength to complete them. Already, I have been blessed to be able to resume playing the piano for worship at my church and to begin accompanying the glee club at our school. These little steps show God's faithfulness in allowing me to serve others.
In the meantime, I must learn to be content in the waiting and healing. I am still in a season of rest and recovery. God has me in His capable hands, and I need to stop squirming and being impatient for Him to release me to be busy and doing. I need to learn during this time to be content with the season I am in and allow Him to work His healing on my body, my mind, my soul. This is an opportunity to be fully immersed in His Word and in prayer so I can be rejuvenated in my spirit. God has healed me before, and He will heal me again in His way. I pray that I can learn to be content and not anxious in the waiting.
