Be Still and Know

I am continuing to learn about having peace in the waiting and peace in the midst of hard times. I just finished my first two weeks of chemo on a new treatment (still pills, thankfully!).  I spent two weeks being beyond exhausted and feeling nauseated and just "not right."  It really is frustrating not knowing the "why," but I have to remind myself that it's not the why that is important.  I may never know why this side of heaven.  But that doesn't stop me from asking!

I have realized how stubborn I am, and once again, I need to learn to listen to God.  I have a tendency to rush ahead with my plans and consult with God afterwards, which is really not the best way to do things.  I also like to be busy being "productive" and useful.  I like to know what's going to happen.  For the past several months, I have been anything but useful and productive, and it has been very frustrating for me.  I have been praying for God to show me what I can do and to heal me so I can be productive for Him and do great things for His kingdom.  It's been all about what I want to do and not about what God wants.  It finally dawned on me that maybe God could be trying to teach me something if I would just shut up and listen! (Duh!)

So I finally stopped telling God what I want and decided to stop and listen to what He might want.  I immersed myself in His Word with a prayerful heart, asking Him to speak and show me His will.

Here's what I learned:
1.  I am in a season of rest and healing right now.  It is not about me doing things.  It is not about planning or being busy or running around or ministering.  I have been so frustrated that I can't do anything that I forgot to look at this time for what it is.  I have been a go-getter all my life, and it's exhausting!  I need to use this time to be still and dig into God's Word.  I have time to sit and listen to Him.  I have time to read my Bible at my leisure.  I have time to pray for other people.  As my body rests and heals, I can use this time to be quiet before the Lord and learn from Him.

2.  The "why" is not important.  God allows different seasons in our lives to bring glory to Him.  Asking, "Why me?" is not productive and doesn't solve anything.  Why not me?  Bad things happen in this world.  This world is not my home, and it's definitely not perfect.  While I'm here, am I pointing people to Christ?  Am I trusting God with everything?  Am I seeking Him in ALL things?  I can look forward to a perfect eternity with Him when I get to my true home, but in the meantime, I need to just trust that He knows why things are happening.  He has a purpose for them, and He will use them for my good and for His glory. (Romans 8:28)

3.  I don't know what the future holds.  But I know the One who holds the future.  I don't know when or if I'll be able to go back to work.  I don't know when or if I'll be healed.  I don't know how much time I have here.  But God does, and He is good and trustworthy.  Each day He gives me is a gift, and I need to appreciate each day as it comes.  I feel like I'm living in limbo.  I've felt really good for the past few days since I have a week off of chemo, and I'm so thankful for that. But I know more treatment is coming, and I know I will have more days of exhaustion and pain and sickness.  I can't really make any long-term plans because I don't know what's going to happen with my health.  And I need to realize that it's okay.  Psalm 119:105 says, "Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path." It doesn't say that the light shines all the way to the end of the path; it shines at my feet, showing me where to take the next step.

Psalm 46:10 keeps coming back to me.  "Be still, and know that I am God!  I will be honoured by every nation.  I will be honoured throughout the world."  I often stop reading there, but verse 11 continues, "The Lord of Heaven's Armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress."  How beautiful and reassuring is that?  The Lord of Heaven's Armies is here.  Is there anyone more powerful?  He is my fortress.  I am safe, I am protected, I am secure.  I just need to BE STILL and trust Him.  Cancer may ravage my body, but it can't take my soul.  It can't separate me from God's love.  Romans 8:35 says, "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love?  Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?"  The answer is, "No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." (Romans 8:37)  Wow.

Be still and know.

God's Comforting Sense of Humour

What a wonderful moment I had this morning during my quiet time with God.  I'm going to try to put it into words, but I don't know if it's possible to capture it in words.  Isn't that true of any encounter with our Father?

As I was praying this morning, I had a hot flash (one of the lovely side effects of taking medication to throw me into early menopause!). I've been practicing being quiet during my prayer time so I can listen to what God wants to say to me.  Then Isaiah 43 came into my mind.  I was thinking through the precious, comforting words:

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

Beautiful so far, isn't it?

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

Lovely words of comfort.  Then I got to the next part and started giggling.  (Remember, I was in the middle of a hot flash!)

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
The flames will not set you ablaze.

I don't know why it struck me as so funny, but I just started laughing to myself, and thanking God for His wonderful sense of humour.  I felt God's presence so overwhelmingly with me, and it felt like He was laughing with me - not at me, but with me, enjoying the moment with me.  I felt such joy.  Not only did He give me words of comfort, but we had fun together!  He is my Daddy God, and He wants me to have joy even in the midst of suffering.  What a wonderfully complex God I serve.  He created me with my weird sense of humour, and He enjoys it with me!

Tears came to my eyes as I basked in God's presence.  I still have tears thinking of that moment and God's love for me.  I don't have a lot of moments where I can tangibly feel God with me.  I know He is there, and I often feel His peace; but this was different.  What a beautiful gift from my loving Father.  Again, I know that words can't convey it, but I wanted to record it for my own sake - to look back on and remember when I start to feel overwhelmed or fearful.  Thank you, God, for that precious gift.

Hugged by God

I had the most amazing time of prayer this morning. It wasn't anything long or out of the ordinary. It has actually been awhile since I've had a good prayer time - I've been too "busy" to stop and talk to God, so I've been missing Him. (Of course, it's my own fault - I chose to do other things... why don't I ever learn?)

Anyway, I had a lot of dreams about my dad last night, and I was just thanking God for being my Abba Father, "Daddy God". I suddenly felt God hugging me. It was the most surreal, amazing, fantastic feeling I've ever had. I felt like I was just curled up on His lap and I could actually feel His arms around me. Does that sound bizarre? I just sat there and basked in His presence and enjoyed my hug from my Daddy. He really is the Father to the fatherless and the loving Father.

I just had to share my wonderful moment from this morning. I pray that I never forget that feeling or forget how much God loves me and just wants me to trust Him as my Daddy. What an awesome God.

"Mercy in the Wilderness"

I've obviously been listening to a lot of music lately. I do that when I'm struggling! Steve Camp wrote a song called "Mercy in the Wilderness". I always loved it for the melody, but every time I listen to it, the words hit home more and more.

Every day that I walk with You
You break me down and You make me new.
Though my faith is tried, this I know is true:
There is mercy in the wilderness.

Through the valley deep and the mountain high
You have been my strength and Your Word my guide
I have known Your grace through the tears I've cried
There is mercy in the wilderness.

In the barren place where the harsh winds blow
Oh my flesh cries out, "Lord refresh my soul!"

Oh the Lord is kind and the Lord is good
He is faithful to His children
Through the fire and flood He has with me stood
He gives mercy in the wilderness.

Oh the chastening of the Father's hand
Yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness
Though our hope is born in sorrow there'll be joy at last
There is mercy in the wilderness.

So I thank You, Lord, for my every trial
The Father's love confirms me as His child

Wow! It is easy to get down and depressed when things are tough, but then we wouldn't learn what God wants us to learn. It is through these times that He can groom us to bear the most fruit. Granted, my tough times aren't that bad! I mean, just being tired and having a rough day with the kids hardly qualifies for hardship when you look at what many people in the world are going through! But it was a tough time for me. I guess it was the feelings of hopelessness, uselessness and emptiness that were getting to me. But I know that I have hope, purpose and fulfillment in Christ. Satan really wants to get me down and put me into a pit (I've been reading Beth Moore!). But I know the truth, and the truth will set me free!

I was looking at Steve Camp's blog (yes, he has one too!), and he says this about the song:

"The Lord uses times of deep sorrow and trial to make us, yes, make us run to Him and Him alone. There is mercy in the wilderness; and the wilderness is the merciful thing. God uses those wasteland experiences to conform us to Himself. "All things work together for good to those that love God and are called according to His purpose" not because at the end of the day everything is nice and neatly problem free. NO! But because "we are predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son!" (Romans 8:28-29)

We are servants with scars.

Though all may forsake you there is One who will never leave nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5); who will love you to the uttermost (John 13:1); who will stick closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24); who knows every one of our needs (Matthew 6:25-34); and will be attentive to the prayers of His children (1 John 5:14-15). If you ask Him for bread He surely will not give you a stone (Matthew 7:7-11).

He will lead you to the rock that is higher than you. Like David the Lord will raise you high above the tempest - to the rock that is higher than your storm; higher than your loneliness. Praise be to God David found a place of sanctuary and shelter in God Himself and you may as well if you place your faith and trust in Christ alone!"

I know this is a long post, but it's such an important lesson. Life is hard. The enemy is a roaming lion seeking to devour us (1 Peter 5:8). God will allow us to go through these times so He can teach us what we need to learn to grow closer to Him and more fruitful in our walk with Him. And there is MERCY in that WILDERNESS. He will be there through it all with us, upholding us with His love.

What a wonderful God we serve!

Joyful Children

The boys were in swimming lessons for the past two weeks. They had so much fun! Look at those smiles!

This was Adam's first time in lessons by himself, and he was pretty nervous at first. The first lesson, he cried the whole time and refused to go in the pool! Eventually, he relaxed and enjoyed himself. He likes splashing and jumping into the pool (though the teacher did not always share his enthusiasm for splashing!).

This was also Noah's first time in lessons. Ian and I took turns going with him in the pool. It is so much fun to take him in. He's fearless! He went down the slide with me with no problem! He loved jumping to me into the pool, and had no problem with having his head dunked underwater (although he needs to close his mouth when we do that!).

They both had tons of fun. It is so nice to see them smiling and laughing and having fun. God must see us that way when we are joyful. If I delight in my kids' happiness this much, then how much more must God delight in us when we are full of joy and exuberance for Him? I'm so glad I have a loving Father God who has given me these great kids and who loves me as His own child.

Being a parent has helped me understand God's love so much more (though I am still far from understanding completely - and will be until I get to Heaven!). I love my kids so much, and if God loves me even more than I love them, then it's a pretty big love!

God's Love

Yesterday morning I was praying, and the most amazing thing happened. I was just overwhelmed by the presence of God. I was sick yesterday, and I started off praying for strength to get through the day - you can't be sick when you're a stay-at-home mom! Suddenly, I just stopped praying, and I was washed in love. It is so hard to describe, but it was just as if God was showing me how much He loved me and that He would take care of everything. I didn't need to finish praying. I just sat there and basked in the love. I have never felt anything like that before. I am so thankful that God gave me that glimpse of Himself. I felt calm and peaceful through the whole day. My kids actually behaved themselves all day, and I was able to rest and sleep a lot. They napped well so I could sleep that afternoon. God is so good. I just want to remember that feeling of love because I know I will face hard times sooner or later, and I need to remember that God loves me and is taking care of me even when it may not feel like He's there. Thank You, Lord.