Visions of Encouragement

"And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people.  Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions. " ~ Joel 2:28

"Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between the spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues.  All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and He distributes them to each one just as He determines." ~ 1 Corinthians 12:7-11

There is a dear lady at my church who has become one of my prayer warriors.  She sees visions from the Lord, and she shares them with me to encourage me.  I wanted to record them here so I don't forget and so that others can be encouraged.

Her first vision came about a year ago.  This lovely woman, Gill, sits a few rows behind my family at church.  She came up to me after church and said that as we were worshiping in song, she saw a vision of a dove above my head, and that it meant that God's peace was with me.

Her next vision was a few weeks later.  She said that as I raised my hands in worship while we were singing, she saw God reach down and hold my hand.  It brought tears to my eyes to know that God is so near.

Another vision she saw of me was again during worship.  I was raising my hands again, and she said she saw God kiss my forehead as I sang praises to Him.

Another time, she said that I was playing the piano, she saw a vision of a cross behind me. The cross was empty because Jesus was sitting beside me as I played.

Recently, when I received news that my oral chemo had stopped working, she told me she had a vision of me in a boat, and there were many people in the boat with me, rowing it.  She told me I had a crew of warriors with me as I fight this battle.  Later that week, I was at the ladies' Bible study at my church, and another lady said she felt that everyone needed to pray for me.  I sat in the middle of a group of godly women as they laid hands on me and prayed for healing. Afterwards, Gill came up to me and said, "There's your crew of rowers in the boat with you!" and I started crying!  I have so much support from my church family and from God Himself.

About a month ago, Gill brought me a meal after I had gone through chemo, and she said she had a vision of a rainbow.  Then as she was driving, a sermon came on the radio about Noah and the ark, and she knew it was for me to go along with her vision.  She did some research, and she said the ark is a symbol of God's protection and that I'm safe in God's arms.

Gill recently left for Florida for the winter, but she's keeping in touch with me via email.  A few weeks ago, she sent me this message:

"I have been praying for you daily. This morning I had a new experience. God gave me glorious colours as we talked about you. First there was an amazing blue, followed by a rich purple. Then came blue and purple together.They swirled about each other like the Northern Lights. It was quite breath-taking. Slowly a deep red joined the pattern before they faded into a warm light.

I understand that in Scripture these colours symbolize Holy Spirit, royalty/authority and Jesus.  I know that Jesus loves you dearly and Holy Spirit is very close.  I promise to keep praying for you and your family."

How beautiful is that?  What an encouragement from the Lord!

Then last week, I received this message from her:

"I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through all this. My first reaction was tears, then anger at the scourge that cancer is, but that pushed my Faith and Trust Action buttons.

I believe that there was a reason God led you to recommend the Elijah Bible Study to the group. I feel I am to be like Elijah's servant. In obedience to Jesus, I will go daily to the mountain top, stand on the Rock of my Salvation and look heavenward. 

7 is the number of completion in Scripture. I will stand and look in expectation for the raincloud of Abundant Provision as many times as it takes. All the rowers in the boat are, like Elijah, praying.

In my mind I see you in a blue mantle, the colour of Holy Spirit, swaddled in His love. I also believe in the absolute goodness and faithfulness of our God - and miracles.

I pray "Shalom" over you and your family and  send you a "virtual hug".   Keep reaching up, remember God is reaching down."

I am so grateful for this godly woman who is praying for me and sharing her visions with me.  

One Crazy Year!

One year ago today, I was taken by ambulance to the hospital because I had a pulmonary embolism.  This had begun a week before when I had already been in the hospital for a week with gallstones, and had been discharged after a cholecystectomy to remove my gallbladder.  This began a chain of events that led to me stopping my cancer treatments for a time to recover from the embolism, learning that that treatment no longer worked, starting on a harsher chemo treatment, and resigning from my teaching position because the side effects of chemo made it too hard to work. You can read the details at this previous blog post and this one.  Needless to say, it has been a crazy, difficult year!  As I approached this "anniversary," I was nervous.  Would I end up in the hospital again this summer?  Would I feel anxious?  While I wouldn't want to go through the things I went through last summer again, I did learn a lot this year, and I'm grateful.

So what have I learned over the course of this year?

1.  Rejoice, Pray, Be Thankful - First Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  That's a tall order!  Is it easy to rejoice always?  Is it easy to pray continually?  Is it easy to give thanks in all circumstances?  NO!  But that is God's will, and when we submit to Him, He gives us joy, peace, and thankfulness.  I am learning to commit everything to God in prayer.  I still mess up sometimes, but God is gracious and forgiving!  I have no idea what is going to happen, but He does, and His Spirit fills me with inexplicable joy.  Am I thankful for cancer?  Not particularly, but I am thankful for what God is teaching me through it, for the friendships that have grown from it, for my family who cares for me, for every opportunity God gives me to serve Him or share His love with someone.  While it is not always easy to be thankful or joyful, it is always possible to find something to be thankful for, and joy stems from that thankfulness.

2.  Let God Be God - Job 2:10 says, in part, "Shall we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?"  Isaiah 55:8 says, "'My thoughts are not like your thoughts,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.'" I don't know why I have cancer, but God does.  Even if I never find out in this life, I need to trust that God has a plan and a reason for this, and He will use it for good (Romans 8:28).  I need to just rest in Him and trust that He's in control because I certainly am not!

3.  Be Still and Know that He is God - This ties in to letting God be God.  It's so easy for me to take back the reins and think I can steer my life better than God can, especially when I've been waiting for test results or things aren't happening as quickly as I would like!  Waiting on God is hard - honestly, it may be one of the hardest parts of this cancer battle - but I need to be still in those waiting times and just know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).

4. Remember Why You're Here - There have been many times when I've felt useless, especially since I resigned from my teaching job and I'm too tired to do much around the house.  My husband and kids have to do all the dishes and cleaning with water because I can't let my hands get wet for too long or I get hand-and-foot syndrome as a chemo side effect.  I often slip into asking myself why I'm even here when I can't do anything.  Those are the times that I have to remember that I'm not on this earth to work. I'm here to serve God and point people to Jesus. I used to be able to do that through my job, but now I have to find other ways to do that, and I have to focus on what I can still do, not on what I can't do anymore.  What can I do?  I can pray for people, I can still cook and do laundry, I can serve in worship ministry at my church (I won't be giving up playing the piano even if my hands bleed while I do it!), I can encourage others, I can volunteer at my kids' school for short periods or time, I can play the piano for the school's glee club, I can mentor youth in worship ministry, I can scrapbook and make cards, I can rest. And hopefully as I do those things, people will see Jesus in me and know that He is good and that He loves us.

5.  This Life Isn't All There Is - I have a good friend who always says that this life is boot camp.  It's hard.  Some things really suck.  Thank God that He is preparing a place for me in Heaven. John 14:1-6 says:

       "Don't let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God, and trust also in me.  There is more than enough room in my Father's home.  If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you?  When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am.  And you know the way to where I am going." (Jesus speaking)
   
       "No, we don't know, Lord," Thomas said.  "We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?"
   
       Jesus told him, "I am the way the truth, and the life.  No one can come to the Father except through me." (NLT version)


Doesn't that fill you with hope?  This life isn't the end, and compared with eternity, it is so short.  So no matter what trials I have to go through here, and no matter when God chooses to call me home, I know that when I go, I will get a new, healthy, eternal body (see 1 Corinthians 15:45-57, which says, in part, "Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" - v. 55).  I will also be reunited with those who have trusted in Jesus and have gone before me.  And I will also get to see those who come after me who know Jesus.  Can you imagine the reunion in heaven - the praise, the worship, the hugs?  What a blessed hope we have in Jesus that this life is not the end.

So while I wouldn't want to relive this past year, especially last August, I am so grateful for the lessons God is teaching me through this season of my life.  And I know that this isn't the end.  Whether God heals me here or in Heaven, my hope is in Christ alone.

(Image from David C. McCasland)

Why I Shaved My Head

I wanted to document my head-shaving, so here goes!  Some people have asked me why I shaved my head when I still have hair.  Here's the short answer:

This is what my hair looked like just six months ago:

This is what my hair looked like right before I shaved my head:

The chemo and other meds had completely fried my hair, it had broken off, and I had lots of bald spots.  You can see how it was thinning at the front, and I also had some bald spots on the back of my head.  I couldn't curl my hair anymore because it was just frizz.

Shaving my head was a way for me to take control.  I thought I might cry, but I actually felt very relieved as it happened.  I brought my friend, Sherri, with me for support, and we went to see my friend, Jackie, who owns Fusion Salon and Spa.  We were the only ones in the salon, so it was nice to be able to do this without any gawking strangers.

Jackie is always funny and upbeat, so she made the process fun.  Here we are about to begin.  We called Jackie "Crazy Eyes!"

I was surprised by how quickly it went.  I had been building up to his moment for so long, and it was over so fast!  It felt really nice to have a little bit of control over something when cancer has taken so much away from me.

And here's the final result:

I'm so grateful for all the support I have.  My friends are awesome and have given me lots of encouragement and compliments!  And I'm actually really loving my bald head.  It is so easy to get ready in the morning.  I can nap during the day without worrying about messing up my hair.  In the wind and rain, my hair doesn't get ruined!  There are so many benefits!

So even though my hair didn't fall out completely, it felt really good to just get rid of the scraggly, thinning mess that I had and just be free.

Letting Go of My Plans

I recently made the tough decision to resign from my teaching position.  I would love to be able to go back to work in the fall, but I really don't know what my health will be like in five months.  I had to base my decision on what is going on now, and right now, I'm too tired from chemo to work. It looks like I will be on chemo indefinitely - for as long as it keeps shrinking my tumours.  I also wanted to be fair to my boss so he has the time to hire someone to fill my position.  This was a very tough decision - not because I didn't know it was the right thing to do, but because I LOVE my job.  Like, I really really love being a teacher.  If it was any other job, I would have said, "No problem!  I'm quitting!"  But this is a tough good-bye. My colleagues are my friends, and they have been so supportive of me and my family through this whole cancer battle.  This year away has been rough, and I always assumed I would be able return to work and get to be with them all again.  But God has other plans.

When I resigned from my teaching career 14 years ago after I had my first son, I was also sad, but excited for the future because I would get to be a stay-at-home mom.  I missed teaching, but I had another calling, and I loved it!  When the opportunity came about four years ago for me to go back to work at the school my kids attended, I felt so thankful and blessed.  It really is an amazing place to work - the kids, my colleagues, the community - they are all so wonderful.  This time the good-bye comes not because I have something better to do but because I don't have the strength to work and I need to take care of myself.

But here's the amazing thing: God has promised that He has plans to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11), even if I don't know what that looks like.  I have always been a planner, and I like to know what is happening today, next week, next month, next year.  Cancer has really thrown that out the window!  I have no idea what is going to happen, how long my current treatments will work for, how much energy I'll have each day, if I'll ever get to go back to teaching.  I just have to take it one day at a time and be thankful for each day that God gives me.  And isn't that how we're all supposed to live?  None of us really knows how much time we have here on this earth, so shouldn't we be looking at each day as a gift?

God knows my heart, and He knows how much I love being a teacher.  If I'm meant to go back to teaching one day, then He will provide that position for me when it is time.  I can't worry about that right now.  There are so many other things to be thankful for: a loving God who sustains me, gives me peace, joy, and hope, and provides for my needs; wonderful family and friends who encourage us and take care of us when I'm too tired to function; disability insurance so I still have an income while I'm unable to work; amazing health care so my medications and doctor visits are covered; the list goes on and on.

So I need to let go of my plans and trust God's plans for me.  And aren't His plans infinitely better than mine anyway?  So often I forget that.  In Philippians 3:13-14, Paul encourages us to "...focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."  For now, being a teacher is in the past, but God has called me to do other things during this season, and I will be obedient to that call.  My prayer is that God is glorified in whatever I do.  Even though my energy and strength are limited, I can do the things Christ gives me to do in His strength (Philippians 4:13).  Daily I surrender my plans to God and ask Him to show me how I can serve Him that day.  Each and every day is a new chance to bring Him glory and honour in my submission and obedience.  Psalm 25:10 tells us, "The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness all who keep His covenant and obey His commands."  He won't lead me astray even when I can't see the path ahead.

Image by Pure Joy Creative

Be Still and Know

I am continuing to learn about having peace in the waiting and peace in the midst of hard times. I just finished my first two weeks of chemo on a new treatment (still pills, thankfully!).  I spent two weeks being beyond exhausted and feeling nauseated and just "not right."  It really is frustrating not knowing the "why," but I have to remind myself that it's not the why that is important.  I may never know why this side of heaven.  But that doesn't stop me from asking!

I have realized how stubborn I am, and once again, I need to learn to listen to God.  I have a tendency to rush ahead with my plans and consult with God afterwards, which is really not the best way to do things.  I also like to be busy being "productive" and useful.  I like to know what's going to happen.  For the past several months, I have been anything but useful and productive, and it has been very frustrating for me.  I have been praying for God to show me what I can do and to heal me so I can be productive for Him and do great things for His kingdom.  It's been all about what I want to do and not about what God wants.  It finally dawned on me that maybe God could be trying to teach me something if I would just shut up and listen! (Duh!)

So I finally stopped telling God what I want and decided to stop and listen to what He might want.  I immersed myself in His Word with a prayerful heart, asking Him to speak and show me His will.

Here's what I learned:
1.  I am in a season of rest and healing right now.  It is not about me doing things.  It is not about planning or being busy or running around or ministering.  I have been so frustrated that I can't do anything that I forgot to look at this time for what it is.  I have been a go-getter all my life, and it's exhausting!  I need to use this time to be still and dig into God's Word.  I have time to sit and listen to Him.  I have time to read my Bible at my leisure.  I have time to pray for other people.  As my body rests and heals, I can use this time to be quiet before the Lord and learn from Him.

2.  The "why" is not important.  God allows different seasons in our lives to bring glory to Him.  Asking, "Why me?" is not productive and doesn't solve anything.  Why not me?  Bad things happen in this world.  This world is not my home, and it's definitely not perfect.  While I'm here, am I pointing people to Christ?  Am I trusting God with everything?  Am I seeking Him in ALL things?  I can look forward to a perfect eternity with Him when I get to my true home, but in the meantime, I need to just trust that He knows why things are happening.  He has a purpose for them, and He will use them for my good and for His glory. (Romans 8:28)

3.  I don't know what the future holds.  But I know the One who holds the future.  I don't know when or if I'll be able to go back to work.  I don't know when or if I'll be healed.  I don't know how much time I have here.  But God does, and He is good and trustworthy.  Each day He gives me is a gift, and I need to appreciate each day as it comes.  I feel like I'm living in limbo.  I've felt really good for the past few days since I have a week off of chemo, and I'm so thankful for that. But I know more treatment is coming, and I know I will have more days of exhaustion and pain and sickness.  I can't really make any long-term plans because I don't know what's going to happen with my health.  And I need to realize that it's okay.  Psalm 119:105 says, "Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path." It doesn't say that the light shines all the way to the end of the path; it shines at my feet, showing me where to take the next step.

Psalm 46:10 keeps coming back to me.  "Be still, and know that I am God!  I will be honoured by every nation.  I will be honoured throughout the world."  I often stop reading there, but verse 11 continues, "The Lord of Heaven's Armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress."  How beautiful and reassuring is that?  The Lord of Heaven's Armies is here.  Is there anyone more powerful?  He is my fortress.  I am safe, I am protected, I am secure.  I just need to BE STILL and trust Him.  Cancer may ravage my body, but it can't take my soul.  It can't separate me from God's love.  Romans 8:35 says, "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love?  Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?"  The answer is, "No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." (Romans 8:37)  Wow.

Be still and know.