One Crazy Year!

One year ago today, I was taken by ambulance to the hospital because I had a pulmonary embolism.  This had begun a week before when I had already been in the hospital for a week with gallstones, and had been discharged after a cholecystectomy to remove my gallbladder.  This began a chain of events that led to me stopping my cancer treatments for a time to recover from the embolism, learning that that treatment no longer worked, starting on a harsher chemo treatment, and resigning from my teaching position because the side effects of chemo made it too hard to work. You can read the details at this previous blog post and this one.  Needless to say, it has been a crazy, difficult year!  As I approached this "anniversary," I was nervous.  Would I end up in the hospital again this summer?  Would I feel anxious?  While I wouldn't want to go through the things I went through last summer again, I did learn a lot this year, and I'm grateful.

So what have I learned over the course of this year?

1.  Rejoice, Pray, Be Thankful - First Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  That's a tall order!  Is it easy to rejoice always?  Is it easy to pray continually?  Is it easy to give thanks in all circumstances?  NO!  But that is God's will, and when we submit to Him, He gives us joy, peace, and thankfulness.  I am learning to commit everything to God in prayer.  I still mess up sometimes, but God is gracious and forgiving!  I have no idea what is going to happen, but He does, and His Spirit fills me with inexplicable joy.  Am I thankful for cancer?  Not particularly, but I am thankful for what God is teaching me through it, for the friendships that have grown from it, for my family who cares for me, for every opportunity God gives me to serve Him or share His love with someone.  While it is not always easy to be thankful or joyful, it is always possible to find something to be thankful for, and joy stems from that thankfulness.

2.  Let God Be God - Job 2:10 says, in part, "Shall we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?"  Isaiah 55:8 says, "'My thoughts are not like your thoughts,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.'" I don't know why I have cancer, but God does.  Even if I never find out in this life, I need to trust that God has a plan and a reason for this, and He will use it for good (Romans 8:28).  I need to just rest in Him and trust that He's in control because I certainly am not!

3.  Be Still and Know that He is God - This ties in to letting God be God.  It's so easy for me to take back the reins and think I can steer my life better than God can, especially when I've been waiting for test results or things aren't happening as quickly as I would like!  Waiting on God is hard - honestly, it may be one of the hardest parts of this cancer battle - but I need to be still in those waiting times and just know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).

4. Remember Why You're Here - There have been many times when I've felt useless, especially since I resigned from my teaching job and I'm too tired to do much around the house.  My husband and kids have to do all the dishes and cleaning with water because I can't let my hands get wet for too long or I get hand-and-foot syndrome as a chemo side effect.  I often slip into asking myself why I'm even here when I can't do anything.  Those are the times that I have to remember that I'm not on this earth to work. I'm here to serve God and point people to Jesus. I used to be able to do that through my job, but now I have to find other ways to do that, and I have to focus on what I can still do, not on what I can't do anymore.  What can I do?  I can pray for people, I can still cook and do laundry, I can serve in worship ministry at my church (I won't be giving up playing the piano even if my hands bleed while I do it!), I can encourage others, I can volunteer at my kids' school for short periods or time, I can play the piano for the school's glee club, I can mentor youth in worship ministry, I can scrapbook and make cards, I can rest. And hopefully as I do those things, people will see Jesus in me and know that He is good and that He loves us.

5.  This Life Isn't All There Is - I have a good friend who always says that this life is boot camp.  It's hard.  Some things really suck.  Thank God that He is preparing a place for me in Heaven. John 14:1-6 says:

       "Don't let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God, and trust also in me.  There is more than enough room in my Father's home.  If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you?  When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am.  And you know the way to where I am going." (Jesus speaking)
   
       "No, we don't know, Lord," Thomas said.  "We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?"
   
       Jesus told him, "I am the way the truth, and the life.  No one can come to the Father except through me." (NLT version)


Doesn't that fill you with hope?  This life isn't the end, and compared with eternity, it is so short.  So no matter what trials I have to go through here, and no matter when God chooses to call me home, I know that when I go, I will get a new, healthy, eternal body (see 1 Corinthians 15:45-57, which says, in part, "Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" - v. 55).  I will also be reunited with those who have trusted in Jesus and have gone before me.  And I will also get to see those who come after me who know Jesus.  Can you imagine the reunion in heaven - the praise, the worship, the hugs?  What a blessed hope we have in Jesus that this life is not the end.

So while I wouldn't want to relive this past year, especially last August, I am so grateful for the lessons God is teaching me through this season of my life.  And I know that this isn't the end.  Whether God heals me here or in Heaven, my hope is in Christ alone.

(Image from David C. McCasland)