Do Not Worry - Easier Said Than Done!

Life with cancer seems to be one period of waiting after another.  We can't really make any long-term plans because we're always waiting for the next round of scans or results or chemo or whatever cancer decides to throw at us.

I have just finished another short period of waiting and being in limbo, and I am now entering the next one.  I had scans done on May 17, which thankfully showed that my tumours are shrinking - a miracle in itself when two months ago I was in the hospital with liver failure and told I had weeks to live!  That means I'll do two more cycles of chemo and then have more scans to see if the chemo is continuing to work.

Waiting is hard!  This time it is especially difficult because if this chemo stops working, we don't have any other medical treatment options left to try here in Canada (we're researching other options, though).  I'm trying not to let my mind go to worrying because it doesn't help anything.

Some people have commented that I'm so positive about everything, especially when I post on social media or write in my blog.  I feel like I should share that while I do try to be positive and look for God's hand at work, I'm not always positive!  And by the time I'm posting online, I've already gone through a huge personal, private process of wrestling through things in my own mind and with God.  Believe me, it's a process, and I struggle with worrying!  Being an introvert, I tend to internalize everything and work it through on my own and in prayer before I will share anything, so you're reading the end result of my long process of that.  If you could see what goes on in my mind before I get to that point, you'd probably be very worried about me!

So how do I keep going when it's hard?  I've posted previously about how "running my race" feels more like crawling through gravel right now (see this post), and it's felt like that for a long time.  It does get discouraging.  It does get challenging.  I go through a lot of days of sadness and doubt.  But every time I feel that way, God calls me back to Him.  He's never let go of me through all of this.  Over the past few weeks especially, when fears and doubts creep in, I hear God's gentle voice saying over and over again, "Trust Me. Trust Me. Trust Me."

God is continually drawing me to Him.  I try to spend time every day reading His Word, the Bible, and in prayer talking to Him.  It's not easy, and there are days when I don't take time for Him, but it's when I spend time with my God, my Jesus, in this way that I can fill my mind with things that take away worry and doubt.  "Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honour at God's right hand.  Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth" (Colossians 3:1-2).

When I fix my eyes on Him, I can see the blessings in these hard times:

• Countless people have told us how encouraged they are by us.  What a miracle!  I pray that God will continue use us to help build people up and encourage them.
• Many people have told us that they have grown in their faith by seeing how we walk through this trial.  When I was first diagnosed with cancer in 2016, I prayed that God would be glorified in it, no matter what the outcome. I can see the fruit of that prayer as people are challenged and encouraged to lean into God and trust Him.
• My children are seeing how to walk through something difficult and to trust God when we can't see what's coming or how things will turn out.  
• Death isn't the end for me.  I would love to be healed of this cancer, but if God chooses not to heal me here, then He has something far greater for me in Heaven, and I'll get to see Jesus face to face and be with Him forever!
• This trial is pushing me closer and closer to my God.  How sweet it is to be in His presence and learn to trust Him more.
• I have learned how to really worship God.  How beautiful to enter into His presence singing songs of praise to Him and knowing He is worthy of that praise. 

We are called by God not to worry. "Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need. So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.Today's trouble is enough for today" (Mathew 6:33-34).  It's easier said than done!  But when we focus on God and His Word and His promises, it's much easier to stop worrying.

Here are just a few of God's promises that I cling to when I'm afraid or worrying:

• "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." ~ 2 Timothy 1:7
• "I am convinced that nothing can every separate us fro God's love.  Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love." ~ Romans 8:38
• "We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.  In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name.  May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in You." ~ Psalm 33:20-22
• "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord." ~ Psalm 40:1-3

There are so, so many more.  The Psalms are filled with beautiful words of God's presence and comfort.  Praise God that He is intimately involved in our lives, and He cares so much about us that He doesn't want us to worry; He just wants us to trust Him.  He's got everything under control, and He wants what's best for us.  He doesn't promise us lives free from pain or sorrow - quite the opposite actually!  His concern is for our spiritual salvation, our growth, our character, our righteousness.  Sometimes what's best for us spiritually is hard to go through, but I trust that God's best for me is better than anything I can come up with myself, so I'll keep trusting Him - and I'll keep trying not to worry!

Thankful

Starting before Christmas, for several months leading up to my hospitalization, and for awhile afterwards, my liver was so swollen that it was pressing into my stomach, intestines, and lungs.  I also had a lot of fluid built up that was pressing into my organs as well.  This made it difficult to breathe, eat, or function properly.  I was winded just walking a few steps and had to sit down frequently to catch my breath, and I was using a wheelchair to get around if I had to go more than a few steps anywhere.  After I got out of the hospital, my legs were so weak, I still needed a wheelchair for awhile as I worked to regain my strength.  Slowly over the past two months, I have been getting stronger.

Well today, my family went to West Edmonton Mall, and I was able to walk from one end of the mall to the other with no breaks!  Not only that, tonight I was able to exercise on my elliptical for 20 minutes straight on a medium tension!  I am praising God for the healing work he's done in my liver.  It is still a bit swollen and gets agitated, but the fluid is gone.  For now, it is functioning well enough even though there are tumours in it, and I am so thankful.

To think that two months ago, doctors thought I would be dead within the week, and now I am eating, walking, exercising, and able to do a few things around the house (like some laundry and light cleaning).  This is a miracle!  Praise God for what He is doing!