The Battle is in the Mind

One thing I'm learning is that a lot of the battle with cancer is really a battle in your mind.  There are so many questions and fears.  Some of them are rational, some of them are not.  Am I going to die?  How much time do I have left? Is that pain I'm feeling more cancer?  Is the cancer growing fast?  Should I make plans for next month?  Next year?  What if my body is filled with tumors they haven't found yet?  If I'm feeling tired, is it because the cancer is overtaking my body or because I didn't get a good sleep?  I have a headache - is it a brain tumor?

One thing I have struggled with is whether or not to go back to work.  Since I feel fine (other than being tired), I should be able to go back to teaching.  But I have a lot of fears.  Being a teacher is kind of an all or nothing job.  You can't take breaks or go home early very easily.  What if my health starts to fail and I can't finish the year?  What if I start having side effects from my treatments and can't work?  What if? What if? What if?

Honestly, do any of us know what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month - even when we're healthy?  I've really been working to take my thoughts captive and turn my fears over to God.  I read this devotion in My Utmost for His Highest, and God really spoke to me.  Jesus asked Peter to pour himself out to feed His sheep.  Jesus had a job for Peter, and Peter was to do it without worrying about what might happen.  I have a job to do as well.  Instead of worrying about how long I'll be able to do my job for, I need to just start doing it.  One day at a time.  And I need to keep doing it until God tells me it's time to stop.

I have decided to enjoy the time I have left and use it for God's glory.  I will do the jobs He has called me to do.  I have been called to be a wife, a mother, a teacher, a worship leader.  I will pour myself out to do those jobs, trusting God to give me the strength I need to do them until He calls me home.

Instead of looking towards what I can do in the future, each day I will ask, "Lord, what can I do today for Your kingdom?"  And I will do it in His strength.

God's Comforting Sense of Humour

What a wonderful moment I had this morning during my quiet time with God.  I'm going to try to put it into words, but I don't know if it's possible to capture it in words.  Isn't that true of any encounter with our Father?

As I was praying this morning, I had a hot flash (one of the lovely side effects of taking medication to throw me into early menopause!). I've been practicing being quiet during my prayer time so I can listen to what God wants to say to me.  Then Isaiah 43 came into my mind.  I was thinking through the precious, comforting words:

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

Beautiful so far, isn't it?

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

Lovely words of comfort.  Then I got to the next part and started giggling.  (Remember, I was in the middle of a hot flash!)

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
The flames will not set you ablaze.

I don't know why it struck me as so funny, but I just started laughing to myself, and thanking God for His wonderful sense of humour.  I felt God's presence so overwhelmingly with me, and it felt like He was laughing with me - not at me, but with me, enjoying the moment with me.  I felt such joy.  Not only did He give me words of comfort, but we had fun together!  He is my Daddy God, and He wants me to have joy even in the midst of suffering.  What a wonderfully complex God I serve.  He created me with my weird sense of humour, and He enjoys it with me!

Tears came to my eyes as I basked in God's presence.  I still have tears thinking of that moment and God's love for me.  I don't have a lot of moments where I can tangibly feel God with me.  I know He is there, and I often feel His peace; but this was different.  What a beautiful gift from my loving Father.  Again, I know that words can't convey it, but I wanted to record it for my own sake - to look back on and remember when I start to feel overwhelmed or fearful.  Thank you, God, for that precious gift.

Take Courage

I'm not going to lie.  This past week has been one of the hardest of my life.  To hear the news that there is something in my body that is slowly killing me and that it can't be removed is earth-shaking.  (Of course, those weren't the doctor's words, but that's the basic premise!)  My cancer has metastasized in my liver, and metastatic breast cancer is incurable.  My oncologist has opted to try hormone therapy to try and cut off the supply of estrogen to the tumors, which are estrogen-fed.  This means no chemo or radiation.  In the doctor's words, "We're going for quality of life."  Those are words that hit deep.  So as long as we can keep the tumors the size they are, I can continue with life as "normal".

Normal is forever changed for our family now.  My new normal is going to be going for hormone injections, scans to check the tumors, and lots of trying not to worry!  And if the hormone therapy doesn't work, then we need to try other options like chemo or radiation.  This will not be easy.  In my head, I know that God is with me, that I don't need to be afraid, that He has everything under control.  It's one thing to know that and quite another to really believe and trust it.

Last night I almost felt like I was drowning in all of this.  I've been crying out to God, and it feels like He's not hearing.  I know that He does hear me, and I know that He is with me, but getting that from my head to my heart is challenging!  It's just very difficult to grasp this.  I could really use some good news.  It seems like every time we go to the doctor, we get more bad news (with the exception of the clear bone scan - we'll take that as a win!).

I didn't have words to pray last night.  I didn't know where to look in His Word for strength.  I don't often open my Bible blindly - usually I know where I'm going to read and start.  But last night, I asked God to just help me open to something - anything - that would help me and give me some sort of reassurance.  I love how God delivers just when we need Him most.  I closed my eyes and opened my Bible, and it was on Mark 6.  Jesus' words stood out in red letters.  "Don't be afraid.  Take courage!  I am here."  Jesus' friends were out on the sea in a storm when Jesus walked on the water towards them.  "Don't be afraid.  I am here."  He climbed into the boat with them and the storm stopped.  I really needed that, and I'm going to cling to those words in the coming weeks.  Jesus has not left me alone in this.  He is in the boat with me.  

  

Really, none of us knows how much time we have left here on this earth.  Our days are numbered.  I could be run over by a truck tomorrow and die of that instead of cancer!  I need to focus on how I am going to use the time I have left - whether it's many years or just a few.  I need to make this time count for God's kingdom.  I need to show my boys what true faith looks like and how Jesus is with them through everything.  What will my legacy be?  Will God say, "Well done," when I see Him face to face?  Do I really trust God?  These are questions we all need to ask ourselves and choose now to start living out our faith.