The Battle is in the Mind

One thing I'm learning is that a lot of the battle with cancer is really a battle in your mind.  There are so many questions and fears.  Some of them are rational, some of them are not.  Am I going to die?  How much time do I have left? Is that pain I'm feeling more cancer?  Is the cancer growing fast?  Should I make plans for next month?  Next year?  What if my body is filled with tumors they haven't found yet?  If I'm feeling tired, is it because the cancer is overtaking my body or because I didn't get a good sleep?  I have a headache - is it a brain tumor?

One thing I have struggled with is whether or not to go back to work.  Since I feel fine (other than being tired), I should be able to go back to teaching.  But I have a lot of fears.  Being a teacher is kind of an all or nothing job.  You can't take breaks or go home early very easily.  What if my health starts to fail and I can't finish the year?  What if I start having side effects from my treatments and can't work?  What if? What if? What if?

Honestly, do any of us know what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month - even when we're healthy?  I've really been working to take my thoughts captive and turn my fears over to God.  I read this devotion in My Utmost for His Highest, and God really spoke to me.  Jesus asked Peter to pour himself out to feed His sheep.  Jesus had a job for Peter, and Peter was to do it without worrying about what might happen.  I have a job to do as well.  Instead of worrying about how long I'll be able to do my job for, I need to just start doing it.  One day at a time.  And I need to keep doing it until God tells me it's time to stop.

I have decided to enjoy the time I have left and use it for God's glory.  I will do the jobs He has called me to do.  I have been called to be a wife, a mother, a teacher, a worship leader.  I will pour myself out to do those jobs, trusting God to give me the strength I need to do them until He calls me home.

Instead of looking towards what I can do in the future, each day I will ask, "Lord, what can I do today for Your kingdom?"  And I will do it in His strength.