Take Courage

I'm not going to lie.  This past week has been one of the hardest of my life.  To hear the news that there is something in my body that is slowly killing me and that it can't be removed is earth-shaking.  (Of course, those weren't the doctor's words, but that's the basic premise!)  My cancer has metastasized in my liver, and metastatic breast cancer is incurable.  My oncologist has opted to try hormone therapy to try and cut off the supply of estrogen to the tumors, which are estrogen-fed.  This means no chemo or radiation.  In the doctor's words, "We're going for quality of life."  Those are words that hit deep.  So as long as we can keep the tumors the size they are, I can continue with life as "normal".

Normal is forever changed for our family now.  My new normal is going to be going for hormone injections, scans to check the tumors, and lots of trying not to worry!  And if the hormone therapy doesn't work, then we need to try other options like chemo or radiation.  This will not be easy.  In my head, I know that God is with me, that I don't need to be afraid, that He has everything under control.  It's one thing to know that and quite another to really believe and trust it.

Last night I almost felt like I was drowning in all of this.  I've been crying out to God, and it feels like He's not hearing.  I know that He does hear me, and I know that He is with me, but getting that from my head to my heart is challenging!  It's just very difficult to grasp this.  I could really use some good news.  It seems like every time we go to the doctor, we get more bad news (with the exception of the clear bone scan - we'll take that as a win!).

I didn't have words to pray last night.  I didn't know where to look in His Word for strength.  I don't often open my Bible blindly - usually I know where I'm going to read and start.  But last night, I asked God to just help me open to something - anything - that would help me and give me some sort of reassurance.  I love how God delivers just when we need Him most.  I closed my eyes and opened my Bible, and it was on Mark 6.  Jesus' words stood out in red letters.  "Don't be afraid.  Take courage!  I am here."  Jesus' friends were out on the sea in a storm when Jesus walked on the water towards them.  "Don't be afraid.  I am here."  He climbed into the boat with them and the storm stopped.  I really needed that, and I'm going to cling to those words in the coming weeks.  Jesus has not left me alone in this.  He is in the boat with me.  

  

Really, none of us knows how much time we have left here on this earth.  Our days are numbered.  I could be run over by a truck tomorrow and die of that instead of cancer!  I need to focus on how I am going to use the time I have left - whether it's many years or just a few.  I need to make this time count for God's kingdom.  I need to show my boys what true faith looks like and how Jesus is with them through everything.  What will my legacy be?  Will God say, "Well done," when I see Him face to face?  Do I really trust God?  These are questions we all need to ask ourselves and choose now to start living out our faith.