Let me back up a bit... After my lumpectomy and sentinal node biopsy in December, it took over six weeks for me to regain use of my arm again and start to have more energy. For the first week, Ian had to dress me, bathe me, wash and comb my hair, prepare meals for me, and basically do everything for me because I was in pain and I couldn't lift anything or move my arm even to waist-height. Gradually over the past two months, I have regained almost full movement of my arms, and I've even started exercising again on the treadmill and doing some squats and sit-ups! I was starting to feel normal again.
For my liver biopsy last week, they had to take a 10-inch needle and stick it between my ribs and maneuver it down into my liver three times to take samples. There was some local freezing for it so I didn't feel pain during the procedure, but I could feel the needle moving around in me and I almost passed out from that! After the procedure, I had to lie in recovery for four hours before I went home. I was on bed rest for two days after that. During that time, I was in a lot of pain (poking holes in your liver will do that!), and I couldn't bend over or move very well as it jarred my abdominal area. Ian again had to dress me and do almost everything for me. It was very discouraging to feel like I had gone back to the beginning of my surgical recovery.
I am starting to feel better now, and I'm able to do my arm stretches again. We even went for a short family walk after supper last night! But I've still been feeling very useless. I miss going to work. I miss my students and my work friends. I miss feeling like I'm contributing in some way to other people. Honestly, I've had quite the pity party over the last few days - sitting around doing nothing, feeling like I can't do anything!
But this morning I got a wake-up call. I was reading "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, and I was struck by what I read this morning. The book is written from the perspective of a demon writing to his nephew who is attempting to lure a Christian man from his faith and render him ineffective in his witness. This chapter in particular was the demon giving his nephew the advice of getting the Christian into a place of "nothingness" and going through the motions so that he is lulled into complacency. "And Nothing is very strong: strong enough to steal away a man's best years not in sweet sins but in a dreary flickering of the mind over it knows not what and knows not why...in drumming of fingers and kicking of heels, in whistling tunes that he does not like, or in the long, dim labyrinth of reveries that have not even lust or ambition to give them a relish, but which, once chance association has started them, the creature is too weak and fuddled to shake off." (p. 64, Barbour and Company).
God spoke to my heart this morning. I prayed and asked Him to show me how I can serve Him even in this time of waiting. There are still some things I can do. I can still pray; there are so many people who need prayer that I can lift before God. I can still worship God and lead others in worship. I have been amazed that I still have strength to play the piano at church even when my arms ache and it hurts to sit. God has graciously allowed me to continue to serve Him in that area. I can still go to Awana and minister to kids (most days). I can still do laundry and dishes and serve my family in small ways. I can pray with my sons and offer words of encouragement to them. I can listen to them practice their trombone and recorder music. I can help them with their homework. I can talk to my husband about his day and offer him encouragement. I can play the piano at home and sing praises to my God. I can read my Bible to fill my soul with hope and encouragement.
I need to focus on what I can do for God and not on what I can't do anymore. This is my season of rest and (hopefully) healing. Life is not what it was two short months ago, but that doesn't mean it can't be amazing and fulfilling and glorifying to God. I've been reading Max Lucado's "Facing Your Giants," and he says to "rush your giant with a God-saturated soul." My giant is cancer, and I'm not going to let it defeat me - physically, mentally, or spiritually. As I seek God in prayer and in His word, He will saturate my soul and help me see things from His perspective, not my limited perspective. Every day God gives us here on this earth is a gift and is meant to be used for His glory. May we turn our eyes to Him and not to the circumstances we are in. May we find hope and purpose in Him.
No comments:
Post a Comment