Still Learning to be Content in the Waiting

"Seasons of waiting and preparation can be difficult times to practice contentment.  Yet God calls us to fix our eyes on Him and remember His deliverance in times past to help us learn to be content with His plan." - Melissa Spoelstra

I find myself in a period of waiting once again.  Last year, I was waiting for surgery, waiting to heal, waiting to find out what stage my cancer was at, waiting for treatment, waiting to go back to work.  After spring break, I was able to resume teaching, and God blessed me with energy and strength to finish off the school year.

I was feeling great as I went into summer, and then Whammo!  I was hit with another few set-backs: Gallbladder attack, gallbladder surgery, pulmonary embolism, stopping chemo treatments, healing from surgery and embolism, weaning off of pain meds, re-starting treatments.  It sounds like a lot when I put it down in writing!

I am amazed that God gave me the strength to deal with each thing as it came, and now I am in a place where I've recovered from the surgery and I'm off the pain meds.  I'm still recovering from the pulmonary embolism and cancer treatments, however, so I'm dealing with a lot of fatigue.  This has left me in a place of waiting once again. Waiting to regain my energy and strength, waiting to see if the tumours will start shrinking again, waiting until I feel well enough to go back to work.

I suck at waiting! I'm a planner and a doer.  I want to know what's going to happen tomorrow, and I want to be active and contribute to my family, my church, my school.  Lately I find myself fearful of stepping out and starting to do things, however small.  What if I have another embolism?  What if I start doing something and then I don't have the strength to finish it?  What if I go back to work and then I can't handle it?  What if I over-exert myself and then my body doesn't have the energy to fight cancer?

I have realized that these fears are from the enemy.  The Bible uses the phrase "Do not fear" over 360 times!   We are not meant to live in fear.  I have had to ask myself the question numerous times, "Am I dying of cancer or living with cancer?"  If I live in fear of doing anything because I might get sicker, then the Enemy wins.  He will have paralyzed me and rendered me ineffective.  I need to continually give my fears to God and follow His leading.  He will show me when it is time to start doing each thing again. He will lead me back to work when it's time.  He will give me opportunities to serve Him as I am ready, and He will give me the strength to complete them.  Already, I have been blessed to be able to resume playing the piano for worship at my church and to begin accompanying the glee club at our school.  These little steps show God's faithfulness in allowing me to serve others.

In the meantime, I must learn to be content in the waiting and healing.  I am still in a season of rest and recovery.  God has me in His capable hands, and I need to stop squirming and being impatient for Him to release me to be busy and doing.  I need to learn during this time to be content with the season I am in and allow Him to work His healing on my body, my mind, my soul.  This is an opportunity to be fully immersed in His Word and in prayer so I can be rejuvenated in my spirit.  God has healed me before, and He will heal me again in His way.  I pray that I can learn to be content and not anxious in the waiting.

The Best and Worst of Times

Warning: This post is quite long.  I wrote it mainly for myself, so I could get everything out.  If you make it through to the end, I hope it was worth the read!

This summer started out fantastic.  In July, my boys went on a missions trip to Guatemala with Impact Ministries.  They went with a team from our church and our school, so they were there with a lot of people they knew, and they were able to really gel as a team. They served the Guatemalan people, were stretched in their faith, and learned a lot.  I am so grateful that they had the opportunity to do this.

While they were gone, I had the opportunity to go out for coffee and lunch with a lot of friends, get the house organized, and enjoy some time to myself.  It was really peaceful and enjoyable.  I went to see my oncologist while they were away, and I learned that I was responding really well to treatment.  My tumours were shrinking, and he suggested I make an appointment with a gynecologist to have my ovaries removed because I was doing so well with hormone therapy.

When the boys returned, we went to B.C. for a week to visit with my mom and step-dad.  We had a lovely visit, and Ian and I were even able to get away for a night by ourselves to the Sparkling Hills resort in Vernon.

View from our hotel room at Sparkling Hills

On the way home from B.C., things took a bit of a turn.  I started getting some pain in my back.  That night after we got home, I was unable to sleep because I was in so much pain.  In the morning, I had an appointment for an injection at the Cross Cancer Institute, so I asked the nurse there about it, and she said I should go to the hospital.  I happened to have an appointment with my family doctor in the afternoon, so I waited until I saw her, and she also said to go to emergency, so we finally went.  (I'm stubborn, and I really didn't want to go to the hospital!)

It turned out that I had pancreatitis from a gallstone getting stuck in my pancreas.  I underwent two scope procedures called an ERCP to place a stent in the duct so that the gallstone could pass through.  I had to have two procedures because apparently I was too "combative" during the first procedure!  I wasn't put under anesthetic the first time, and the nurse said I fought during the procedure and ripped out the scope (I don't remember because they had given me a lot of drugs!).  I woke up from the first procedure with a fat lip!  They decided to do it with anesthetic the second time, so that one was successful.  After I recovered from that, the surgeon decided to remove my gallbladder to prevent further attacks.

I had been off my chemo drugs for a week, so it was a good time to do the surgery.  This was done on Monday, August 14 (I had been admitted into the hospital on August 9), and I was discharged the next day after being in the hospital for a week.  The surgeon was able to do the cholesystecomy (fancy word for gallbladder removal) laparoscopically, so I only had 4 small incisions to heal from.

Unfortunately, cancer complicates everything, and the following Sunday, I was in excruciating pain all through my back.  I couldn't even stand, it hurt so much.  I've never felt any pain like that before.  Ian called an ambulance because I couldn't even walk to the car for him to drive me back to the hospital. The EMTs couldn't find a good vein in my arms to put an IV in, so I ended up with an IV in my foot - not the most comfortable thing, but they started giving me morphine right away, so I forgave them!  It turns out that the combination of cancer treatments and surgery had caused Deep Vein Thrombosis (blood clots in the legs).  These clots dislodged and moved into my lungs, causing a Pulmonary Embolism.

It's not so much fun having an IV in your foot, but at least my toenails were pretty!

I spent another week in the hospital in excruciating pain.  This time, I felt like I was very close to dying.  At one point, I told Ian that if I saw a bright light, I was going into it!  I found out afterwards that a nurse told Ian that about 20% of people who have a pulmonary embolism die from it right away, so I was very fortunate that I survived it. My lungs had lots of fluid in them so it was difficult to breathe, even being put on oxygen.  I couldn't walk more than a few steps without having to sit and catch my breath.  They brought a walker and a wheelchair to my room, along with a chair to "do my business" in because I couldn't walk to the bathroom.  I felt like an 80 year old!

Thankful for the oxygen tube so I could breathe.  Loving my unwashed hair!

Every day, I received a morning and evening injection of anticoagulant to prevent more blood clots from forming.  I was also given very strong pain killers at different doses as the doctors tried to figure out how much I needed to manage the pain of the blood clots.  After about 5 days in the hospital, they drained my lungs.  This involved an uncomfortable procedure where they put a numbing/freezing agent into my back with a needle, then inserted another needle into my back with a tube to drain fluid from my lungs.  In all, they took out 650 ml.  They showed me as they filled jar after jar with the fluid.  It was surreal.  After that was finished, I was able to breathe much better.

Finally a few days later, after being in the hospital for a week, the doctor told me I could go home as long as I was able to give myself a daily injection of anti-coagulant. A nurse had shown me how to do it, and I had practiced myself for a couple of days, so I was anxious to get home.  It is very strange having to give yourself a needle, especially with my aversion to them!  I was also given a prescription for painkillers that made me very foggy and uncoordinated!  I was nervous about going home just because I would no longer have my oxygen or walker, and I was pretty light-headed, but at the same time, I was very excited to get the IV taken out and to be able to be in my own bed. I went home on August 27.  I had spent most of the month of August in and out of the hospital.

This was followed by numerous doctors appointments with different specialists.  I saw a thrombosis specialist who prescribed me a different anticoagulant.  She explained that cancer treatments and surgery are the leading risk factors for developing blood clots.  I was hoping to take an oral anti-coagulant, but with my cancer treatment, the injection is the best one.  I will need to be on that for probably as long as I am going through chemo treatments.

I met with the gynecologist who is going to remove my ovaries, and we decided that it is best to hold off on that for awhile until I have completely recovered from all of this other stuff!

I am trying to wean myself off of the painkillers.  It turns out that it can take many months for the blood clots in my lungs to dissolve, and they can cause pain the entire time.  I'm not able to drive while I'm on this medication, though, and apparently you can't just stop taking the meds cold-turkey, so I'm working my dosage down as much as I can and still handle the pain.

I recently found out that the stent they put in my pancreas when I first went into the hospital has not passed as it was supposed to, so now I have another procedure scheduled where they have to put a tube down my throat and remove the stent (another ERCP).  I'm not really looking forward to that, and I'm really hoping that the stent passes on its own while I'm waiting for my appointment!  However, I suppose I've been through worse, so I'm thankful that they'll be able to remove it.

While I was in the hospital, I will admit that I wasn't feeling very thankful or joyful.  But now, looking back, I can see the many blessings God gave me through the whole thing.  There were so many people praying for me and supporting me.  Many people came to visit me and make me feel special.  Ian was by my side the entire time.  I have an amazing husband who loves me so much.  My mom came out to help take care of my boys while I was in the hospital.  Ian's parents took the boys numerous times as well and made sure they were okay.  I don't know how we would have made it without our parents.  Some people from my church held a worship/prayer night for me where they sang some of my favourite worship songs and prayed for me and my family.  My boys have been helping out around the house, doing chores and picking up the slack that I'm not able to do.  Some of my teaching colleagues set up my classroom for me since I couldn't get into school.  (I'm still not back at work, but a lovely lady is filling in for me while I recover).  My boss has been so understanding, allowing me the time I need to recover.  When I got out of the hospital, many people from church provided meals for us.  I have many friends and family who drive me to my appointments since I can't drive right now.  Numerous people have come to visit me and cheer me up.  God has provided everything we needed through all of this.  As I'm beginning to feel better, I can see God's hand of mercy and blessing.  I am blessed to still be alive through all of this, and I'm feeling stronger every day.

I'm praying that I'll be able to start back on my chemo meds soon as I've had to go off them while I recover.  I'm also praying that the cancer hasn't spread and the tumours haven't started to grow again in the meantime.  Although I do know that even if the cancer is spreading, God will still be with me through that as well, providing what I need and helping me through it.

If you've managed to read to the end, thank you for bearing with me!  I hope you are encouraged that God is faithful and good even in our darkest, hardest circumstances.  What an amazing God we serve!

For All You Are

A song that has come to be deeply meaningful to me is "For All You Are" by Casting Crowns.  It is a beautiful picture of surrender to God.  With this summer's events (which I will detail in a later blog post), I have realized again that I am really not in control of anything.  It has been a hard time of letting go of me and holding onto God.  I don't always understand the why of this, but I trust that God only wants good for me and that beauty will come out of this time of pain.  Here are the lyrics:

When I'm standing at the end of me
In the rubble of my broken dreams
And the wells I've dug aren't filling me
And the world I've made's not what it seems to be

My life, Your grace
Here I exchange

All of me for all You are
I lay at Your feet my broken heart
And I'll find my healing in Your scars
All of me for all You are

You're the anchor in a raging sea
In the center of the storm You are my peace
You're the dreamer of my destiny
And all You have begun You will complete

Your life, my gain
Here I exchange

All of me for all You are
I lay at Your feet my broken heart
And I'll find my healing in Your scars
All of me for all You are.

Take a listen to the song.  It is a lovely reminder of God's sovereignty and His love for us.

To Live is Christ, to Die is Gain

I've said before that having cancer is as much a mental battle as a physical one, if not moreso.  I am constantly battling thoughts of "what if?"  Jesus commands us in Scripture not to worry about the future.  We are to take up our cross daily and follow Him.  It is sometimes hard not to let my mind go to future questions: When will my medication stop working?  Will I live to see my kids graduate?  Should we make plans for next summer? Two years from now?

It's exhausting and not worth it.  And it's disobedience.  Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Luke 12:25 says, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" So instead of worrying about tomorrow, I need to focus on what I can do TODAY for Christ.

One of my favourite passages of Scripture has become Philippians 1:18-24.  Paul wrote this book from prison, and he is likely awaiting execution.  In this section of his letter, Paul talks about his feelings about death.

"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God's provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.  I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or death.  For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me.  Yet what shall I choose?  I do not know!  I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body."

I love this picture of Paul torn between life and death.  He knows that when he dies, he will be with Jesus, which will be more amazing than anything here on earth.  At the same time, he wants to continue his earthly ministry and help people come to know Jesus here.  I know that to live is Christ and to die is gain.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be with Jesus when I die, and I am looking forward to that.  At the same time, there is a lot here that I don't want to miss out on.  I want to see my boys grow up. I want to grow old with my husband.  I want to be a grandmother one day.  I want to teach my students about Jesus.

There are no guarantees in this life, and none of us know how much time we have.  So I will put my trust in Jesus, and live for Him today.  My prayer is that each day I can do something for God's kingdom and bring glory to Him in the life I live.

A song that has taken on new meaning for me is "Live Like That" by Sidewalk Prophets.  Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes I think
What will people say of me
When I'm only just a memory
When I'm home where my soul belongs?

Was I love when no one else would show up?
Was I Jesus to the least of those?
Was my worship more than just a song?

I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned, never holding back
I want to live like that

Am I proof that You are who You say You are
That grace can really change a heart?
Do I live like Your love is true?

People pass, and even if they don't know my name
Is there evidence that I am changed?
When they see me, do they see You?

This is my challenge to myself.  Am I living in a way that God will say, "Well done," when I get to heaven?  Absolutely, to die is gain, but while I'm here, am I living for Christ?  I know I fall short in many ways and I have lots to learn, but I want to be continually seeking Jesus and living out His ministry while I'm here.

Check out the song here: Sidewalk Prophets - Live Like That

God is Good ALL the Time

I received an interesting phone call on Thursday.  I had gone for an MRI and a CT scan on Tuesday.  I almost passed out from getting the IV put in!  I just really hate the feeling of a needle moving around inside of me!  I'm fine with injections and blood work, but those IVs get me every time.  But that's another story!

Anyway, my oncologist called me on Thursday at work.  He started out by saying, "Do you have any pain in your stomach?"  Immediately I thought that the cancer had spread to my stomach and I had a moment of panic!  I explained that I had had some pain a few weeks ago, but that it seems to have gone away. Then he told me that the MRI showed that I have gallstones.  (I'll take gallstones over tumours any day!). After that he said, "Oh, and your tumours are shrinking!"  Shouldn't that have been your lead?  Anyway, it seems that after only two months, my tumours have dramatically shrunk and apparently some have disappeared!  There were 25 lesions on my liver a few months ago.  I'll get more details when I go to see my oncologist in a few weeks, but this is nothing short of a miracle.  When I started treatment, my doctor said that he hoped we could keep the tumours from growing and maybe shrink them a bit.  God's hand is all over this!  What a mighty God we serve!  He is more powerful than any cancer.

The funny thing is that I don't feel any different.  People have been saying, "You must be ecstatic!"  And yes, I am very happy and thankful that the tumours are shrinking, but I don't feel any less happy than I did before I received the news.  That's the amazing thing about the joy of the Lord.  I've had joy and peace for the past six months since receiving the news that I have cancer.  Of course I've had my moments of fear and crying and sadness, but overall, God has flooded me with His joy and peace.  My joy is not dependent on  my circumstances; it comes from the Lord and it is there in spite of whatever I'm going through.

A common phrase in many churches is, "God is good all the time; all the time God is good."  We say it almost casually, especially when a prayer is answered the way we want.  Yes, God is good.  And he would still be good even if my tumours weren't shrinking.  He is always good, and He is always working things for the good of those who love Him even when it doesn't feel good (Romans 8:28).

I have been thankful for so many things through this whole cancer journey.  I have so many people praying for me and caring for me and my family.  I have grown so much closer to God and learned to lean into Him and trust Him.  I have felt what it feels like to walk through fire and not be burned (Isaiah 43:2).  I have spent more time in prayer in the past six months than I have in the past six years!  I have felt God's presence with me as I cried out in pain.  I have felt God's hand of comfort and His peace as the storm raged around me.  I have heard His voice as I knelt before Him in prayer.  While I don't enjoy having cancer, I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade the past six months' time that I've spent growing closer to God for anything.  He is so GOOD, not because He is answering my prayers, but because that's just who He is.

So yes, I am ecstatic and joyful and thankful, but I was before, and I will still be even if the tumours start growing again because my God is in control and I trust Him.  He gives me joy as I walk with Him through the valley of the shadow of death because He is with me and He loves me and His plans are for my good (Psalm 23, Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11).

My cancer journey is far from over, and I'm still praying for complete healing.  I hope God will heal me, but even if He chooses not to, my hope is still in Him.

The Battle is in the Mind

One thing I'm learning is that a lot of the battle with cancer is really a battle in your mind.  There are so many questions and fears.  Some of them are rational, some of them are not.  Am I going to die?  How much time do I have left? Is that pain I'm feeling more cancer?  Is the cancer growing fast?  Should I make plans for next month?  Next year?  What if my body is filled with tumors they haven't found yet?  If I'm feeling tired, is it because the cancer is overtaking my body or because I didn't get a good sleep?  I have a headache - is it a brain tumor?

One thing I have struggled with is whether or not to go back to work.  Since I feel fine (other than being tired), I should be able to go back to teaching.  But I have a lot of fears.  Being a teacher is kind of an all or nothing job.  You can't take breaks or go home early very easily.  What if my health starts to fail and I can't finish the year?  What if I start having side effects from my treatments and can't work?  What if? What if? What if?

Honestly, do any of us know what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month - even when we're healthy?  I've really been working to take my thoughts captive and turn my fears over to God.  I read this devotion in My Utmost for His Highest, and God really spoke to me.  Jesus asked Peter to pour himself out to feed His sheep.  Jesus had a job for Peter, and Peter was to do it without worrying about what might happen.  I have a job to do as well.  Instead of worrying about how long I'll be able to do my job for, I need to just start doing it.  One day at a time.  And I need to keep doing it until God tells me it's time to stop.

I have decided to enjoy the time I have left and use it for God's glory.  I will do the jobs He has called me to do.  I have been called to be a wife, a mother, a teacher, a worship leader.  I will pour myself out to do those jobs, trusting God to give me the strength I need to do them until He calls me home.

Instead of looking towards what I can do in the future, each day I will ask, "Lord, what can I do today for Your kingdom?"  And I will do it in His strength.

God's Comforting Sense of Humour

What a wonderful moment I had this morning during my quiet time with God.  I'm going to try to put it into words, but I don't know if it's possible to capture it in words.  Isn't that true of any encounter with our Father?

As I was praying this morning, I had a hot flash (one of the lovely side effects of taking medication to throw me into early menopause!). I've been practicing being quiet during my prayer time so I can listen to what God wants to say to me.  Then Isaiah 43 came into my mind.  I was thinking through the precious, comforting words:

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

Beautiful so far, isn't it?

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

Lovely words of comfort.  Then I got to the next part and started giggling.  (Remember, I was in the middle of a hot flash!)

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
The flames will not set you ablaze.

I don't know why it struck me as so funny, but I just started laughing to myself, and thanking God for His wonderful sense of humour.  I felt God's presence so overwhelmingly with me, and it felt like He was laughing with me - not at me, but with me, enjoying the moment with me.  I felt such joy.  Not only did He give me words of comfort, but we had fun together!  He is my Daddy God, and He wants me to have joy even in the midst of suffering.  What a wonderfully complex God I serve.  He created me with my weird sense of humour, and He enjoys it with me!

Tears came to my eyes as I basked in God's presence.  I still have tears thinking of that moment and God's love for me.  I don't have a lot of moments where I can tangibly feel God with me.  I know He is there, and I often feel His peace; but this was different.  What a beautiful gift from my loving Father.  Again, I know that words can't convey it, but I wanted to record it for my own sake - to look back on and remember when I start to feel overwhelmed or fearful.  Thank you, God, for that precious gift.

Take Courage

I'm not going to lie.  This past week has been one of the hardest of my life.  To hear the news that there is something in my body that is slowly killing me and that it can't be removed is earth-shaking.  (Of course, those weren't the doctor's words, but that's the basic premise!)  My cancer has metastasized in my liver, and metastatic breast cancer is incurable.  My oncologist has opted to try hormone therapy to try and cut off the supply of estrogen to the tumors, which are estrogen-fed.  This means no chemo or radiation.  In the doctor's words, "We're going for quality of life."  Those are words that hit deep.  So as long as we can keep the tumors the size they are, I can continue with life as "normal".

Normal is forever changed for our family now.  My new normal is going to be going for hormone injections, scans to check the tumors, and lots of trying not to worry!  And if the hormone therapy doesn't work, then we need to try other options like chemo or radiation.  This will not be easy.  In my head, I know that God is with me, that I don't need to be afraid, that He has everything under control.  It's one thing to know that and quite another to really believe and trust it.

Last night I almost felt like I was drowning in all of this.  I've been crying out to God, and it feels like He's not hearing.  I know that He does hear me, and I know that He is with me, but getting that from my head to my heart is challenging!  It's just very difficult to grasp this.  I could really use some good news.  It seems like every time we go to the doctor, we get more bad news (with the exception of the clear bone scan - we'll take that as a win!).

I didn't have words to pray last night.  I didn't know where to look in His Word for strength.  I don't often open my Bible blindly - usually I know where I'm going to read and start.  But last night, I asked God to just help me open to something - anything - that would help me and give me some sort of reassurance.  I love how God delivers just when we need Him most.  I closed my eyes and opened my Bible, and it was on Mark 6.  Jesus' words stood out in red letters.  "Don't be afraid.  Take courage!  I am here."  Jesus' friends were out on the sea in a storm when Jesus walked on the water towards them.  "Don't be afraid.  I am here."  He climbed into the boat with them and the storm stopped.  I really needed that, and I'm going to cling to those words in the coming weeks.  Jesus has not left me alone in this.  He is in the boat with me.  

  

Really, none of us knows how much time we have left here on this earth.  Our days are numbered.  I could be run over by a truck tomorrow and die of that instead of cancer!  I need to focus on how I am going to use the time I have left - whether it's many years or just a few.  I need to make this time count for God's kingdom.  I need to show my boys what true faith looks like and how Jesus is with them through everything.  What will my legacy be?  Will God say, "Well done," when I see Him face to face?  Do I really trust God?  These are questions we all need to ask ourselves and choose now to start living out our faith.

A Wake Up Call - Finding Purpose in the Waiting

Lately I've been struggling with feelings of uselessness.  I can't go to work.  I haven't started chemo, so I'm in limbo.  I can't lift anything over ten pounds, so I can't do a lot around my house.  I had a liver biopsy last week that I had to recover from, so I felt like I was back to square one with healing.

Let me back up a bit...  After my lumpectomy and sentinal node biopsy in December, it took over six weeks for me to regain use of my arm again and start to have more energy.  For the first week, Ian had to dress me, bathe me, wash and comb my hair, prepare meals for me, and basically do everything for me because I was in pain and I couldn't lift anything or move my arm even to waist-height.  Gradually over the past two months, I have regained almost full movement of my arms, and I've even started exercising again on the treadmill and doing some squats and sit-ups!  I was starting to feel normal again.

For my liver biopsy last week, they had to take a 10-inch needle and stick it between my ribs and maneuver it down into my liver three times to take samples.  There was some local freezing for it so I didn't feel pain during the procedure, but I could feel the needle moving around in me and I almost passed out from that!  After the procedure, I had to lie in recovery for four hours before I went home.  I was on bed rest for two days after that.  During that time, I was in a lot of pain (poking holes in your liver will do that!), and I couldn't bend over or move very well as it jarred my abdominal area.  Ian again had to dress me and do almost everything for me.  It was very discouraging to feel like I had gone back to the beginning of my surgical recovery.

I am starting to feel better now, and I'm able to do my arm stretches again.  We even went for a short family walk after supper last night!  But I've still been feeling very useless.  I miss going to work. I miss my students and my work friends.  I miss feeling like I'm contributing in some way to other people.  Honestly, I've had quite the pity party over the last few days - sitting around doing nothing, feeling like I can't do anything!

But this morning I got a wake-up call.  I was reading "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, and I was struck by what I read this morning.  The book is written from the perspective of a demon writing to his nephew who is attempting to lure a Christian man from his faith and render him ineffective in his witness.  This chapter in particular was the demon giving his nephew the advice of getting the Christian into a place of "nothingness" and going through the motions so that he is lulled into complacency.  "And Nothing is very strong: strong enough to steal away a man's best years not in sweet sins but in a dreary flickering of the mind over it knows not what and knows not why...in drumming of fingers and kicking of heels, in whistling tunes that he does not like, or in the long, dim labyrinth of reveries that have not even lust or ambition to give them a relish, but which, once chance association has started them, the creature is too weak and fuddled to shake off." (p. 64, Barbour and Company).

God spoke to my heart this morning.  I prayed and asked Him to show me how I can serve Him even in this time of waiting.  There are still some things I can do.  I can still pray; there are so many people who need prayer that I can lift before God.  I can still worship God and lead others in worship.  I have been amazed that I still have strength to play the piano at church even when my arms ache and it hurts to sit.  God has graciously allowed me to continue to serve Him in that area.  I can still go to Awana and minister to kids (most days).  I can still do laundry and dishes and serve my family in small ways.  I can pray with my sons and offer words of encouragement to them.  I can listen to them practice their trombone and recorder music.  I can help them with their homework.  I can talk to my husband about his day and offer him encouragement.  I can play the piano at home and sing praises to my God.  I can read my Bible to fill my soul with hope and encouragement.

I need to focus on what I can do for God and not on what I can't do anymore.  This is my season of rest and (hopefully) healing.  Life is not what it was two short months ago, but that doesn't mean it can't be amazing and fulfilling and glorifying to God.  I've been reading Max Lucado's "Facing Your Giants," and he says to "rush your giant with a God-saturated soul."  My giant is cancer, and I'm not going to let it defeat me - physically, mentally, or spiritually.  As I seek God in prayer and in His word, He will saturate my soul and help me see things from His perspective, not my limited perspective.  Every day God gives us here on this earth is a gift and is meant to be used for His glory.  May we turn our eyes to Him and not to the circumstances we are in.  May we find hope and purpose in Him.

from Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado - W. Publishing Group

More Waiting - God is in Control, Not Me

I'm still waiting.  Since the CT scan showed spots on my liver and my echocardiogram showed some irregularity with my heart, my oncologist wants to see if the cancer has spread and if I'm healthy enough to start chemotherapy.  So, I need a liver biopsy, MRI, bone scan, and an appointment with my cardiologist.  More waiting!  Another thing that I’m learning in the waiting is that we are not in control.  This is very hard for a control freak like me to accept.  I like to plan everything and know what is going to happen.  I'm a teacher!  I have meal plans, lesson plans, year plans, unit plans, a calendar on my fridge and on my phone, and the list goes on.  But here’s the truth: we’re not in control of what happens to us.  The only thing we are in control of is how we react to what happens to us.  Plans change.  Disaster strikes. Our children disobey.  It rains when we planned an outside activity.  The stove stops working right before we want to cook supper.  Disease hits.  Little or big, things happen that are beyond our control.  But guess who is in control:  God.  I don’t know about you, but it gives me great comfort to know that Someone who is loving, righteous, kind, pure, holy, perfect, and who knows everything is in control and not me.  And He’s working everything for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).  So in the waiting, I’m learning to let go and just rest in knowing that God knows what is going to happen and He’s got it.  

Where is God in the Waiting?

This weekend my church hosted a scrapbooking day for about 40 ladies, and I was asked to share a bit of my testimony and what is happening to me right now.  Here is what I shared with them:

Waiting.  Most of us don’t like waiting, especially when we don’t know what’s going to happen.  God has been teaching me a lot about waiting.  I’ve been asked to share a little of what I’ve been going through in the past little while, and I hope it will be an encouragement to you. 

At the beginning of October, I found a lump on my breast.  I didn’t think too much about it because I had found lumps before and they all turned out to be cysts.  Still, I made an appointment with my doctor to have it checked out.  It was two weeks before I could get an appointment.  She agreed I should have it checked, so we booked a mammogram and ultrasound.  Again more waiting – it was almost a month before I could get in for those tests.  At the ultrasound, they confirmed there was a lump, but they couldn’t tell what it was, so they referred me for a biopsy.  Another few weeks of waiting for that.  By the way, biopsies are painful!  Then I had to wait another week and a half to find out the results of the biopsy.  It was about the end of November when I heard the words that I had not really expected to hear, but dreaded nonetheless – I have breast cancer. 

I went home and had a good cry with my husband.  We prayed together – not really knowing what to pray, but just handing it over to God.  An amazing thing happened as we prayed and as my friends started praying for me.  I was overcome with peace.  A palpable, completely illogical peace.  And joy – the kind of joy that cannot be explained by our circumstances but that can only come from God Himself.  And as we prayed, we kept waiting.

I met my surgeon at the beginning of December.  He said I needed to have a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy to remove the lymph nodes that were closest to the tumour.  He told me to expect this to be followed by about 5 weeks of daily radiation and then possibly chemotherapy.  I just needed to wait for my surgery date (again – more waiting!). 

As a teacher, I don’t have the kind of job that I can just take days off from spontaneously, so the waiting and not knowing was difficult.  I spent the month of December planning for my replacement teacher and training her on how I run my classroom.  Then, on December 21, I started the first phase of my cancer treatment journey, undergoing surgery to remove the tumour and what turned out to be 11 lymph nodes.   No one tells you ahead of time how agonizing the recovery from surgery will be.  I woke up with a drain in my side and two gigantic incisions - one under my armpit and one in my breast.  I was unable to move my right arm.

Then, more waiting!  They won’t start treatment on you until you have completely recovered from surgery, so I began the process of healing.  I had to do painful exercises every day to gain movement back in my arm, and the fatigue is unbelievable.  I was exhausted after doing small tasks for only an hour!  After two weeks, the drain was removed – that was a huge relief!  After three weeks, we met again with my surgeon.  He said that there was cancer in three of the lymph nodes they removed, so I would need chemo first, followed by radiation and hormone therapy.  

It has now been just over six weeks since my surgery.  Every day, I’ve gained more strength and mobility back in my arm.  Things are finally starting to happen now.  This past week, I’ve had an echocardiogram, CT scan, and I’ve met with my oncologist. 

But there are still a lot of unknowns.  On Friday, my oncologist said that there are some spots on my liver that look like cancer, so I still have to have more tests. I don’t know if I’m going to die from this cancer.  I don’t know how my body will react to chemotherapy.  I don’t know when or if I’ll be able to go back to work.  I don’t know how long I’ll be having treatments for.  So there is still more waiting to be done.

So far, it doesn’t sound very pleasant!  Now here’s the encouraging part.  What am I learning through all this waiting?  Lots, but I’ve narrowed it down to three points that I want to talk about.

1. Sometimes life sucks.  Our society today preaches a message of happiness.  If it feels good, do it.  If it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it.  You should always be happy.  Seek happiness above everything.  If you’re not happy, quit and do something else.  It sounds good, but it’s impossible.  Bad things are going to happen.  We’re not always going to be happy.  We don’t know when someone we love will die, a natural disaster will occur, terrorist attacks will happen, houses will flood or burn down, forest fires will decimate a community.  The list goes on.  God actually promises in His word that we will go through hard times.  John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  What we need to do is ask what God wants us to learn through the hard things.  I heard a quote from a very wise man from our church, Mr. Peter McCallum.  He said, “God loves you just as you are, but He also loves you too much to let you stay that way.”  Often the times we grow the most are in the hard times.  We often want to ask, “Why me?” when something bad happens.  But really, why not me?  Job said, “Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?”  We need to change the question.  Instead of, “Why me?” I asked myself, “What is God trying to teach me through this?  How can I glorify God through this?  How can God use this to help others?”  And I do know one other thing:  Happiness and joy are not the same thing.  While I’m not happy that I have cancer, I have an amazing joy that comes from God.  My joy is not dependent on what is happening to me.  I can have joy outside of my circumstances because God has filled me with His Spirit.  Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  I accepted Jesus as my Saviour when I was 17 years old, and I’ve walked with God ever since.  I’ve gone through a lot of amazing, fantastic times.  Why should I stop trusting Him now that something I’m not thrilled with is happening?  I’ve seen enough of God’s goodness to know that I can trust Him and that He is going to take this horrible season and turn it into something good.  And yes, that means even if I die from cancer, I trust that God is in control of it, and He can use that for something good - maybe for someone else.  I may not know it or understand it, but I know HE IS TRUSTWORTHY. 

2. God is with us in the waiting – As I mentioned before, I have felt God’s presence and peace through this whole process.  Sure, I’ve had my moments of crying and wanting to give up, and the hard part hasn’t even started yet.  But God will not let me go.  John 1:12 – 13 says, “Yet to all who did receive him (Jesus), to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God - children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.”  What does it mean to be a child of God?  When we receive Jesus as our Saviour and become a child of God, God promises that He will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  We are NEVER alone.  We may go through hard times, but we never go through them by ourselves.  And knowing that God is with me gives me hope.  Psalm 62:5-6 says, “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.”

3. Don’t let fear overwhelm you – true peace comes from God.  There is a lot of fear in our society these days.  You don’t have to scroll through Facebook for very long to see all the evidence of fear – some of it justifiable, most of it not!  And a cancer diagnosis comes with a lot of fear!  Even though I trust God, that doesn’t mean I’m not sometimes afraid.  I don’t look forward to the pain I’m going to have to go through.  I don’t want to go through chemo and feel sick.  I don’t want my kids to have to grow up without their mother or my husband to be a widower.  I don’t want to lose my hair!  But here is what I have also learned:  God’s love casts out fear.  When I am fearful, it is because in my mind, I’m going through all the possibilities of what could happen.  Matthew 6:27 says, “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”  All the scenarios I’m going through in my mind cannot possibly happen.  Sure, some of them may, but I don’t know which ones, and worrying about them won’t change things.  Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”  When I choose to focus my thoughts on God and His promises, I have peace.  When I hand my fears over to Him and choose to trust Him with what will happen, I have peace.  God was not surprised by my cancer diagnosis.  He knew it was going to happen, and He is walking beside me and before me, preparing the way for me.  I’m going to try to let Him handle the details and not worry because fear does not help me. 

So in the waiting, I’m learning to let go and just rest in knowing that God knows what is going to happen and He’s got it.  So I will continue to wait.  I’m just at the beginning of my cancer journey, and I know there is a lot of hard stuff ahead for me, but I also know that my God is good, He is with me, He is trustworthy, He gives me peace, and He is in control.   Psalm 33:20-22 says, “We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.  In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you.”

I don’t know what you’re going through right now.  Some of you are in a good season; some of you are struggling with things and going through hard times.  Please know that for those who are children of God, He is with you through all of it.  Do you understand how much God loves you?  Will you trust Him?