The Battle is in the Mind

One thing I'm learning is that a lot of the battle with cancer is really a battle in your mind.  There are so many questions and fears.  Some of them are rational, some of them are not.  Am I going to die?  How much time do I have left? Is that pain I'm feeling more cancer?  Is the cancer growing fast?  Should I make plans for next month?  Next year?  What if my body is filled with tumors they haven't found yet?  If I'm feeling tired, is it because the cancer is overtaking my body or because I didn't get a good sleep?  I have a headache - is it a brain tumor?

One thing I have struggled with is whether or not to go back to work.  Since I feel fine (other than being tired), I should be able to go back to teaching.  But I have a lot of fears.  Being a teacher is kind of an all or nothing job.  You can't take breaks or go home early very easily.  What if my health starts to fail and I can't finish the year?  What if I start having side effects from my treatments and can't work?  What if? What if? What if?

Honestly, do any of us know what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month - even when we're healthy?  I've really been working to take my thoughts captive and turn my fears over to God.  I read this devotion in My Utmost for His Highest, and God really spoke to me.  Jesus asked Peter to pour himself out to feed His sheep.  Jesus had a job for Peter, and Peter was to do it without worrying about what might happen.  I have a job to do as well.  Instead of worrying about how long I'll be able to do my job for, I need to just start doing it.  One day at a time.  And I need to keep doing it until God tells me it's time to stop.

I have decided to enjoy the time I have left and use it for God's glory.  I will do the jobs He has called me to do.  I have been called to be a wife, a mother, a teacher, a worship leader.  I will pour myself out to do those jobs, trusting God to give me the strength I need to do them until He calls me home.

Instead of looking towards what I can do in the future, each day I will ask, "Lord, what can I do today for Your kingdom?"  And I will do it in His strength.

God's Comforting Sense of Humour

What a wonderful moment I had this morning during my quiet time with God.  I'm going to try to put it into words, but I don't know if it's possible to capture it in words.  Isn't that true of any encounter with our Father?

As I was praying this morning, I had a hot flash (one of the lovely side effects of taking medication to throw me into early menopause!). I've been practicing being quiet during my prayer time so I can listen to what God wants to say to me.  Then Isaiah 43 came into my mind.  I was thinking through the precious, comforting words:

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

Beautiful so far, isn't it?

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

Lovely words of comfort.  Then I got to the next part and started giggling.  (Remember, I was in the middle of a hot flash!)

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
The flames will not set you ablaze.

I don't know why it struck me as so funny, but I just started laughing to myself, and thanking God for His wonderful sense of humour.  I felt God's presence so overwhelmingly with me, and it felt like He was laughing with me - not at me, but with me, enjoying the moment with me.  I felt such joy.  Not only did He give me words of comfort, but we had fun together!  He is my Daddy God, and He wants me to have joy even in the midst of suffering.  What a wonderfully complex God I serve.  He created me with my weird sense of humour, and He enjoys it with me!

Tears came to my eyes as I basked in God's presence.  I still have tears thinking of that moment and God's love for me.  I don't have a lot of moments where I can tangibly feel God with me.  I know He is there, and I often feel His peace; but this was different.  What a beautiful gift from my loving Father.  Again, I know that words can't convey it, but I wanted to record it for my own sake - to look back on and remember when I start to feel overwhelmed or fearful.  Thank you, God, for that precious gift.

Take Courage

I'm not going to lie.  This past week has been one of the hardest of my life.  To hear the news that there is something in my body that is slowly killing me and that it can't be removed is earth-shaking.  (Of course, those weren't the doctor's words, but that's the basic premise!)  My cancer has metastasized in my liver, and metastatic breast cancer is incurable.  My oncologist has opted to try hormone therapy to try and cut off the supply of estrogen to the tumors, which are estrogen-fed.  This means no chemo or radiation.  In the doctor's words, "We're going for quality of life."  Those are words that hit deep.  So as long as we can keep the tumors the size they are, I can continue with life as "normal".

Normal is forever changed for our family now.  My new normal is going to be going for hormone injections, scans to check the tumors, and lots of trying not to worry!  And if the hormone therapy doesn't work, then we need to try other options like chemo or radiation.  This will not be easy.  In my head, I know that God is with me, that I don't need to be afraid, that He has everything under control.  It's one thing to know that and quite another to really believe and trust it.

Last night I almost felt like I was drowning in all of this.  I've been crying out to God, and it feels like He's not hearing.  I know that He does hear me, and I know that He is with me, but getting that from my head to my heart is challenging!  It's just very difficult to grasp this.  I could really use some good news.  It seems like every time we go to the doctor, we get more bad news (with the exception of the clear bone scan - we'll take that as a win!).

I didn't have words to pray last night.  I didn't know where to look in His Word for strength.  I don't often open my Bible blindly - usually I know where I'm going to read and start.  But last night, I asked God to just help me open to something - anything - that would help me and give me some sort of reassurance.  I love how God delivers just when we need Him most.  I closed my eyes and opened my Bible, and it was on Mark 6.  Jesus' words stood out in red letters.  "Don't be afraid.  Take courage!  I am here."  Jesus' friends were out on the sea in a storm when Jesus walked on the water towards them.  "Don't be afraid.  I am here."  He climbed into the boat with them and the storm stopped.  I really needed that, and I'm going to cling to those words in the coming weeks.  Jesus has not left me alone in this.  He is in the boat with me.  

  

Really, none of us knows how much time we have left here on this earth.  Our days are numbered.  I could be run over by a truck tomorrow and die of that instead of cancer!  I need to focus on how I am going to use the time I have left - whether it's many years or just a few.  I need to make this time count for God's kingdom.  I need to show my boys what true faith looks like and how Jesus is with them through everything.  What will my legacy be?  Will God say, "Well done," when I see Him face to face?  Do I really trust God?  These are questions we all need to ask ourselves and choose now to start living out our faith.

A Wake Up Call - Finding Purpose in the Waiting

Lately I've been struggling with feelings of uselessness.  I can't go to work.  I haven't started chemo, so I'm in limbo.  I can't lift anything over ten pounds, so I can't do a lot around my house.  I had a liver biopsy last week that I had to recover from, so I felt like I was back to square one with healing.

Let me back up a bit...  After my lumpectomy and sentinal node biopsy in December, it took over six weeks for me to regain use of my arm again and start to have more energy.  For the first week, Ian had to dress me, bathe me, wash and comb my hair, prepare meals for me, and basically do everything for me because I was in pain and I couldn't lift anything or move my arm even to waist-height.  Gradually over the past two months, I have regained almost full movement of my arms, and I've even started exercising again on the treadmill and doing some squats and sit-ups!  I was starting to feel normal again.

For my liver biopsy last week, they had to take a 10-inch needle and stick it between my ribs and maneuver it down into my liver three times to take samples.  There was some local freezing for it so I didn't feel pain during the procedure, but I could feel the needle moving around in me and I almost passed out from that!  After the procedure, I had to lie in recovery for four hours before I went home.  I was on bed rest for two days after that.  During that time, I was in a lot of pain (poking holes in your liver will do that!), and I couldn't bend over or move very well as it jarred my abdominal area.  Ian again had to dress me and do almost everything for me.  It was very discouraging to feel like I had gone back to the beginning of my surgical recovery.

I am starting to feel better now, and I'm able to do my arm stretches again.  We even went for a short family walk after supper last night!  But I've still been feeling very useless.  I miss going to work. I miss my students and my work friends.  I miss feeling like I'm contributing in some way to other people.  Honestly, I've had quite the pity party over the last few days - sitting around doing nothing, feeling like I can't do anything!

But this morning I got a wake-up call.  I was reading "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, and I was struck by what I read this morning.  The book is written from the perspective of a demon writing to his nephew who is attempting to lure a Christian man from his faith and render him ineffective in his witness.  This chapter in particular was the demon giving his nephew the advice of getting the Christian into a place of "nothingness" and going through the motions so that he is lulled into complacency.  "And Nothing is very strong: strong enough to steal away a man's best years not in sweet sins but in a dreary flickering of the mind over it knows not what and knows not why...in drumming of fingers and kicking of heels, in whistling tunes that he does not like, or in the long, dim labyrinth of reveries that have not even lust or ambition to give them a relish, but which, once chance association has started them, the creature is too weak and fuddled to shake off." (p. 64, Barbour and Company).

God spoke to my heart this morning.  I prayed and asked Him to show me how I can serve Him even in this time of waiting.  There are still some things I can do.  I can still pray; there are so many people who need prayer that I can lift before God.  I can still worship God and lead others in worship.  I have been amazed that I still have strength to play the piano at church even when my arms ache and it hurts to sit.  God has graciously allowed me to continue to serve Him in that area.  I can still go to Awana and minister to kids (most days).  I can still do laundry and dishes and serve my family in small ways.  I can pray with my sons and offer words of encouragement to them.  I can listen to them practice their trombone and recorder music.  I can help them with their homework.  I can talk to my husband about his day and offer him encouragement.  I can play the piano at home and sing praises to my God.  I can read my Bible to fill my soul with hope and encouragement.

I need to focus on what I can do for God and not on what I can't do anymore.  This is my season of rest and (hopefully) healing.  Life is not what it was two short months ago, but that doesn't mean it can't be amazing and fulfilling and glorifying to God.  I've been reading Max Lucado's "Facing Your Giants," and he says to "rush your giant with a God-saturated soul."  My giant is cancer, and I'm not going to let it defeat me - physically, mentally, or spiritually.  As I seek God in prayer and in His word, He will saturate my soul and help me see things from His perspective, not my limited perspective.  Every day God gives us here on this earth is a gift and is meant to be used for His glory.  May we turn our eyes to Him and not to the circumstances we are in.  May we find hope and purpose in Him.

from Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado - W. Publishing Group

More Waiting - God is in Control, Not Me

I'm still waiting.  Since the CT scan showed spots on my liver and my echocardiogram showed some irregularity with my heart, my oncologist wants to see if the cancer has spread and if I'm healthy enough to start chemotherapy.  So, I need a liver biopsy, MRI, bone scan, and an appointment with my cardiologist.  More waiting!  Another thing that I’m learning in the waiting is that we are not in control.  This is very hard for a control freak like me to accept.  I like to plan everything and know what is going to happen.  I'm a teacher!  I have meal plans, lesson plans, year plans, unit plans, a calendar on my fridge and on my phone, and the list goes on.  But here’s the truth: we’re not in control of what happens to us.  The only thing we are in control of is how we react to what happens to us.  Plans change.  Disaster strikes. Our children disobey.  It rains when we planned an outside activity.  The stove stops working right before we want to cook supper.  Disease hits.  Little or big, things happen that are beyond our control.  But guess who is in control:  God.  I don’t know about you, but it gives me great comfort to know that Someone who is loving, righteous, kind, pure, holy, perfect, and who knows everything is in control and not me.  And He’s working everything for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).  So in the waiting, I’m learning to let go and just rest in knowing that God knows what is going to happen and He’s got it.  

Where is God in the Waiting?

This weekend my church hosted a scrapbooking day for about 40 ladies, and I was asked to share a bit of my testimony and what is happening to me right now.  Here is what I shared with them:

Waiting.  Most of us don’t like waiting, especially when we don’t know what’s going to happen.  God has been teaching me a lot about waiting.  I’ve been asked to share a little of what I’ve been going through in the past little while, and I hope it will be an encouragement to you. 

At the beginning of October, I found a lump on my breast.  I didn’t think too much about it because I had found lumps before and they all turned out to be cysts.  Still, I made an appointment with my doctor to have it checked out.  It was two weeks before I could get an appointment.  She agreed I should have it checked, so we booked a mammogram and ultrasound.  Again more waiting – it was almost a month before I could get in for those tests.  At the ultrasound, they confirmed there was a lump, but they couldn’t tell what it was, so they referred me for a biopsy.  Another few weeks of waiting for that.  By the way, biopsies are painful!  Then I had to wait another week and a half to find out the results of the biopsy.  It was about the end of November when I heard the words that I had not really expected to hear, but dreaded nonetheless – I have breast cancer. 

I went home and had a good cry with my husband.  We prayed together – not really knowing what to pray, but just handing it over to God.  An amazing thing happened as we prayed and as my friends started praying for me.  I was overcome with peace.  A palpable, completely illogical peace.  And joy – the kind of joy that cannot be explained by our circumstances but that can only come from God Himself.  And as we prayed, we kept waiting.

I met my surgeon at the beginning of December.  He said I needed to have a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy to remove the lymph nodes that were closest to the tumour.  He told me to expect this to be followed by about 5 weeks of daily radiation and then possibly chemotherapy.  I just needed to wait for my surgery date (again – more waiting!). 

As a teacher, I don’t have the kind of job that I can just take days off from spontaneously, so the waiting and not knowing was difficult.  I spent the month of December planning for my replacement teacher and training her on how I run my classroom.  Then, on December 21, I started the first phase of my cancer treatment journey, undergoing surgery to remove the tumour and what turned out to be 11 lymph nodes.   No one tells you ahead of time how agonizing the recovery from surgery will be.  I woke up with a drain in my side and two gigantic incisions - one under my armpit and one in my breast.  I was unable to move my right arm.

Then, more waiting!  They won’t start treatment on you until you have completely recovered from surgery, so I began the process of healing.  I had to do painful exercises every day to gain movement back in my arm, and the fatigue is unbelievable.  I was exhausted after doing small tasks for only an hour!  After two weeks, the drain was removed – that was a huge relief!  After three weeks, we met again with my surgeon.  He said that there was cancer in three of the lymph nodes they removed, so I would need chemo first, followed by radiation and hormone therapy.  

It has now been just over six weeks since my surgery.  Every day, I’ve gained more strength and mobility back in my arm.  Things are finally starting to happen now.  This past week, I’ve had an echocardiogram, CT scan, and I’ve met with my oncologist. 

But there are still a lot of unknowns.  On Friday, my oncologist said that there are some spots on my liver that look like cancer, so I still have to have more tests. I don’t know if I’m going to die from this cancer.  I don’t know how my body will react to chemotherapy.  I don’t know when or if I’ll be able to go back to work.  I don’t know how long I’ll be having treatments for.  So there is still more waiting to be done.

So far, it doesn’t sound very pleasant!  Now here’s the encouraging part.  What am I learning through all this waiting?  Lots, but I’ve narrowed it down to three points that I want to talk about.

1. Sometimes life sucks.  Our society today preaches a message of happiness.  If it feels good, do it.  If it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it.  You should always be happy.  Seek happiness above everything.  If you’re not happy, quit and do something else.  It sounds good, but it’s impossible.  Bad things are going to happen.  We’re not always going to be happy.  We don’t know when someone we love will die, a natural disaster will occur, terrorist attacks will happen, houses will flood or burn down, forest fires will decimate a community.  The list goes on.  God actually promises in His word that we will go through hard times.  John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  What we need to do is ask what God wants us to learn through the hard things.  I heard a quote from a very wise man from our church, Mr. Peter McCallum.  He said, “God loves you just as you are, but He also loves you too much to let you stay that way.”  Often the times we grow the most are in the hard times.  We often want to ask, “Why me?” when something bad happens.  But really, why not me?  Job said, “Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?”  We need to change the question.  Instead of, “Why me?” I asked myself, “What is God trying to teach me through this?  How can I glorify God through this?  How can God use this to help others?”  And I do know one other thing:  Happiness and joy are not the same thing.  While I’m not happy that I have cancer, I have an amazing joy that comes from God.  My joy is not dependent on what is happening to me.  I can have joy outside of my circumstances because God has filled me with His Spirit.  Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  I accepted Jesus as my Saviour when I was 17 years old, and I’ve walked with God ever since.  I’ve gone through a lot of amazing, fantastic times.  Why should I stop trusting Him now that something I’m not thrilled with is happening?  I’ve seen enough of God’s goodness to know that I can trust Him and that He is going to take this horrible season and turn it into something good.  And yes, that means even if I die from cancer, I trust that God is in control of it, and He can use that for something good - maybe for someone else.  I may not know it or understand it, but I know HE IS TRUSTWORTHY. 

2. God is with us in the waiting – As I mentioned before, I have felt God’s presence and peace through this whole process.  Sure, I’ve had my moments of crying and wanting to give up, and the hard part hasn’t even started yet.  But God will not let me go.  John 1:12 – 13 says, “Yet to all who did receive him (Jesus), to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God - children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.”  What does it mean to be a child of God?  When we receive Jesus as our Saviour and become a child of God, God promises that He will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  We are NEVER alone.  We may go through hard times, but we never go through them by ourselves.  And knowing that God is with me gives me hope.  Psalm 62:5-6 says, “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.”

3. Don’t let fear overwhelm you – true peace comes from God.  There is a lot of fear in our society these days.  You don’t have to scroll through Facebook for very long to see all the evidence of fear – some of it justifiable, most of it not!  And a cancer diagnosis comes with a lot of fear!  Even though I trust God, that doesn’t mean I’m not sometimes afraid.  I don’t look forward to the pain I’m going to have to go through.  I don’t want to go through chemo and feel sick.  I don’t want my kids to have to grow up without their mother or my husband to be a widower.  I don’t want to lose my hair!  But here is what I have also learned:  God’s love casts out fear.  When I am fearful, it is because in my mind, I’m going through all the possibilities of what could happen.  Matthew 6:27 says, “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”  All the scenarios I’m going through in my mind cannot possibly happen.  Sure, some of them may, but I don’t know which ones, and worrying about them won’t change things.  Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”  When I choose to focus my thoughts on God and His promises, I have peace.  When I hand my fears over to Him and choose to trust Him with what will happen, I have peace.  God was not surprised by my cancer diagnosis.  He knew it was going to happen, and He is walking beside me and before me, preparing the way for me.  I’m going to try to let Him handle the details and not worry because fear does not help me. 

So in the waiting, I’m learning to let go and just rest in knowing that God knows what is going to happen and He’s got it.  So I will continue to wait.  I’m just at the beginning of my cancer journey, and I know there is a lot of hard stuff ahead for me, but I also know that my God is good, He is with me, He is trustworthy, He gives me peace, and He is in control.   Psalm 33:20-22 says, “We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.  In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you.”

I don’t know what you’re going through right now.  Some of you are in a good season; some of you are struggling with things and going through hard times.  Please know that for those who are children of God, He is with you through all of it.  Do you understand how much God loves you?  Will you trust Him?  

Thoughts on Galatians

Some thought and questions as I read through Galatians:

- 1:6 - "I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel - which is really no gospel at all."  How many "Christians" today are making up their own gospel or are being led astray by people claiming they have the truth, but really it is a distortion of Scripture.  We can't take parts of the Bible and leave others that we don't like.  The Truth is the Truth.

- 1:9 "If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned!"  God takes it very seriously when His word is distorted or if anyone preaches anything other than the true gospel.

- 1:10b "If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."  Who am I seeking approval from?  Am I boldly declaring the truth of God's word, or am I afraid of what others will think of me?

- 2:16 "Man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ." Nothing we can do - no good works or obedience - will justify us before God.  Only our faith in Jesus Christ and what He did for us on the cross will make us right with God.

- 2:19-21 "For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God.  I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

- 3:23-25 "Before this faith came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed.  So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith.  Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law."

- 5:13 "You, my brothers, were called to be free.  But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather serve one another in love."

-5:16-17, 19-21 "So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature.  They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.,. The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery, idolatry and witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy, drunkenness, orgies and the like.  I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God."

It is evident from Paul's letter to the Galatians that we are no longer restricted by the law.  We are free in Christ.  That, however, does not give us license to sin.  Even though the law no longer applies to us, if we are truly living by the Spirit as God wants us to, we will not be indulging in sinful behaviour.  Instead, we will see the fruit of God's Spirit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (5:22-23).