The Thrill of God

Last night Shelley challenged us to ask God to thrill us. He delights in giving good gifts to His children! So I ran off to pray and asked God to just thrill me.

I was full of anticipation this morning when I woke up and prayed for the day. I again asked God to thrill me today, and to open my eyes so that I would know it when it happened (I have a tendency to miss things as I get busy and focus on other things).

So first off, I weighed myself, and I had gained a pound. Not so thrilling. Okay, so God was going to thrill me another way (although losing five pounds would have been a great thrill!).

Noah cried all morning. He's teething and nothing would comfort him. I gave him Tylenol and sent him to bed for a bit, but he continued to whine. I contemplated just staying home from church since Ian's out of town and it's challenging enough having two kids there by myself, let alone when the baby is teething! But I prayed, and God told me to go. I thought, "Okay, God is going to thrill me at church... the kids will behave, I'll actually get to sing an entire song and maybe hear most of the message." Wrong again. Noah was actually pretty good. Adam, however, behaved terribly. He wouldn't stop talking, he had to go the bathroom three times before the singing was even finished. I had to take him out for "discipline" during the special music. And when we went back in, he still wouldn't stop talking and disobeying me when I asked him to sit on his chair and play quietly. So I ended up leaving church before the message even started so we wouldn't disrupt all the other people around us. Not so thrilling.

On the way home, I thought, "My day is going worse than usual. Why aren't you thrilling me, God?" I started to cry. (I know, poor me!)

The rest of the day didn't go much better. It was a constant battle with Adam to get him to obey me when I asked him to stop hitting his brother, stop banging things on the table during supper, stop yelling at me from his room during quiet time, etc. etc.

I feel so empty right now - physically, emotionally, spiritually. I have nothing left to give my family. I'm not being fed spiritually at church because my kids won't be quiet during the service. At home, my three-year-old is constantly challenging my authority. He blatantly disobeys when I ask him to do something (or to stop doing something). It's especially hard when Ian is away because there's no rest. I'm at the breaking point.

I guess God has brought me here to this point to teach me to lean on Him. Like the song says: "His strength is perfect when our strength is gone." I need God to fill me now. Is this the thrill I asked for? I know God sometimes answers prayer in unexpected ways, but when I asked Him to thrill me, I didn't mean tear me down to nothing in one day! But I guess that's what He needed to do to force me to rely on Him again.

So I'm not feeling thrilled today, but I know that God isn't here for my amusement or to perform for me when I ask Him to. I know He delights in giving good gifts to His children, and I know that He wants me to be ready for it when He gives them. I am thankful that He is bringing me to the place where I will be ready for Him, even though it's difficult. I know one day He will thrill me, and we will both delight in it because of what He's bringing me through today.